Day 30 - A Picture

That is, without a doubt, one big stingray. Also, if you run a google search, with safe search on, this picture happens to be the first one that pops up. I spent a little bit of time thinking about it, but I don't know what that actually says about the zeitgeist. Regardless, I have talked about pictures before and since this is the last day of the challenge I don't really feel as if I need to boil everything down to a photo of the countryside, or of a city melting. Instead I'll craft a shoddy metaphor about how this stingray relates to this experience.

It's hard to not feel as if you are stuck in a pool that is barely larger than your entire body sometimes. It seems the older you get the more freedom you are supposed to find, though we all are just kind of funneled down some path. There's room to maneuver, but when you do you risk shattering everything and flopping around until you're all dried up and, in all likelihood, dead. I don't really know if I learned all that from these past 30 days though, actually I think that I knew a good deal of that before starting these writings. When I think about this exercise though I keep coming back to how much more open I have become with myself. I hope to not lose that as the time passes and I am not forcing myself think about questions that I would otherwise brush off. Though just like brushing my teeth or showering it's a routine that I need to establish, so I need to push myself just a bit every day until I start building the skills that I need to excel. I'm still not always comfortable when I should be, but I have seen improvement, and that's comforting. I'll keep working on that.

So for all of those that have consistently read I thank you. This will not be the last entry on this blog, I have been thinking of how to use it outside of an archive and I have come up with a few ideas. Obviously school is going to limit what I am able to do, plus I need to get back to film and game blogging so that I can start building up a portfolio, but there are plans for The FLY Files. They never die. Even if the pool breaks they never really die. Because, actually, it doesn't matter how trapped you are, or how big you are, people only really care about the tail. That's you, that's the power. That's what's most tangible, most distinctive, that's where you need to be aware.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic:

Rich

Day 29 - Three Wishes

If I were to be given three whole wishes it would be rather easy to simply ask for unlimited money, unlimited security, and unlimited time. Those are all tangible enough to basically cover all the things I would need outside of being unable to age. But all of that would be easy, far too easy for my liking. These exercises are meant to be a bit challenging, so in order to do that I am going to limit myself to wishes that are finite and tangible. Now that we have my conditions, the terms if you will, out of the way that forces me to buckle down and think. To speculate. To wish.

So for my first wish from this genie, it's a genie granting these wishes I assume, I would have to wish for a super room in whichever house I am living that will always be fully stocked with reels of films, the newest games/consoles, and an endless rack of vinyls and mp3s with the dankest speaker system of all time. My guess is that 3-D glasses will also be in this room because why the fuck not? Having a place to escape to would be great, even if I was responsible for all the furnishings. I'd probably put a fish tank in this room as well, fish are fun to watch. Maybe even play a game about a fish, but instead of controlling the fish I would take the role of the fish food. Now that's some NEXT GEN shit!

Second wish? Here I would probably wish for one year where I had to worry about nothing else except traveling around the world. That would give me more than enough time to see the major places I want to visit and I'd probably have enough time in between to stop home for long enough stretches in order to minimize homesickness. In this wish I would need to include that I'd have to be provided with the funds to travel all over the world and the country because I imagine it would get pretty expensive. I'd buy my own knick-knacks, but the actual plane costs, hotel rooms, and food need to be accounted for obviously. Still, this seems like a worthwhile wish that would provide me with some great experiences.

Last wish, I wish I had two more wishes. But since that is not an option I think I would wish for universal peace. Nah, that's too big. I should use one of these wishes to help other people, I reckon. Plus it has to be finite, which means no curing disease or anything. Hmm. This is tough. I guess I can't keep this wish in the holster, huh? I would wish for one day where I could talk to whoever I wanted to, living or dead. Actually, maybe one week. Yeah, that's a good wish. Especially if I could record all of it.

That's a damn solid batch of wishes.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic (Day 30!): A Picture

Day 28 - Stress

Technically this entry is supposed to be about one thing that stresses me out, which is good because I have more stress than a poorly engineered bridge. Anyhow, by this point in time I am sure that my faithful readers will not have much of a problem guessing a few of my stresses, so I think I need to approach this from a slightly different direction. So when I think about stress I need to actually focus on what causes my stress. In this sense I think that the greatest stress of all, perhaps not just for myself but for you, the individual or the collective, has to be society, yes? We are, after all, products of the grand dream (delusion) that is society. We always have been, as long as man is man I assume that we all will continue to be, at least to an extent.

Few forces hold quite as much sway as society, it is completely capable of allowing for, as I think it has for me, completely reshaping aspects of your identity. And then if it molds them in odd shapes, or if you have trouble contorting and conforming to this model you are left adrift. If I worry about a job it is because society tells me that I need to be productive and contribute to the whole regardless of what that whole actually serves. Society stresses me out about the way I relate to people, the way I carry myself. Society demands success, and I enjoy succeeding just as much as the next person. When things go wrong, when I find myself stressing, then the finger could, and in all likelihood should, be pointed at the way society has constructed me to think, to behave. I do my best to fight, to be 'me,' whatever that may mean, but at times it seems almost useless. It's a system I need to live, a system that allows me to type what I am typing, but also an oppressor.

So where does my stress come from? Well, it's all a big social construct.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: 3 Wishes

Rich

Day 27 - Future

I have a little trouble discerning the difference between this entry and yesterday's, though it seems like this is much more grandiose in scope than goals. Though I don't know if this entry will turn out that way simply because the future is, for all intents and purposes, undecided. The past, it is supposed, is a grotesque animal, but where does that leave the future in this binary continuum? Beautiful, perhaps, but what is the future if not the past waiting to be, so then grotesque, yes? No. Maybe. The future, I have talked about before, is also scary to think about too in depth. I will continue to cuddle my ignorance, hoping to squeeze out bliss, until it happens. Or continues to happen.

That's the thing with the future, it happens when you least expect it, or at least that has been my experience. I like to think of it like Anton from No Country for Old Men, or like the biker in Raising Arizona. Basically I like to think about the Coen brothers's filmography. When I'm not thinking about that I am, in some way, thinking about the future. Then I am confused, perhaps frightened. Don't go in the meadow, that's where man is. That's where we all end up eventually.

And we run.

We don't know each other, future, but we have met time and time again.

This entry is difficult to write because I am excited for the future, but it is frightening, almost inexplicably so because I'm a smart person. I'll get by. But it's the present that I love, the past that I idolize, the future that I fear. And they all keep moving, when I type this it is the present, but now it is the past, and at one point it was the future because I knew that I would be typing an entry about the future at some point today. So it makes you wonder how much of a future there actually is, and when I will and won't be around to experience it, if ever.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Stress

Rich

Day 26 - Goals

On the road of life everyone needs a trucker buddy. Additionally, everyone needs some sort of goal to work towards. What I like to do is set small moments of anticipation, but when I set goals they are usually long term, and rather intangible. Throughout the course of this I think I have already partially showed what many of my goals are as well, which means that I am probably just going to be recapping a few of my long term desires from here on out, so if you are a regular reader we can do some fact checking. There will be a test at the end, so it would behoove you to pay attention, and if you do not know what behoove means there is a 99.5% chance that you have already passed a point of no return.

The big goals in my life are all there, at some point in the future I would like to have a job that I love, preferably one that allows me to use my English language expertise in an industry that I have interest in, which means i need to start focusing on one type of media instead of continuing my quest to be a jack of all trades media conglomerate. Passion is fickle, but I have had success capturing passions, which mean it only needs to be refined. Like oil. There goes the magic, it all becomes real. The stars are nothing more than gas when we get up close, but we still continue to fly.

At some point I would like to have a family, my own house, all the manufactured ambitions that make me an American. Though above this I feel more compelled, while I still have the youth, though not always the means, to start traveling a bit more. The United States especially fascinates me. I don't consider myself incredibly patriotic, at least not blindly loyal, but I love the country and would like to see more of it, to learn about the different perspectives that exist. I think, occasionally, about the vast number of people in the world, how they are unaware of me, but perhaps somewhere else someone is thinking about the world as well, and in a way we are thinking about one another. Perhaps in different languages. I may never know, but I can at least see.

Though the goal that hovers above them all is arguably the most simple. I just want to learn. Knowledge is always acquired, but there is always more to accrue. More to experience. More to synthesize. Intangible? Perhaps. Unmeasurable? The subjectivity of knowledge says no. But I can strive. People just float, but I can drop my arms and try to drift in the intended direction.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Future

Rich

Day 25 - First 10 Shuffled Songs

Today we go inside the framework of my iPod (note: shuffle is being used on iTunes as it has a larger library) and see what happens when songs come on shuffle. No filter, though I will be refraining from posting any of the same artists if they pop up back to back, no filler. Let the music play. Click the song titles for links to the songs.

1. The Ink Spots - "I Don't Want to Set the World on Fire"

Despite being caught completely off guard by this song popping up first, I could not be any more pleased. While the song itself does not represent what I usually listen to while consuming music, the connection to Fallout 3, one of my favorite games, is both the reason it is on my iTunes and one of the reasons where my love is found. As a song this does make for some nice and easy listening. The world needs more crooners, and I need to listen to more music from The Ink Spots. Additionally, the Fallout 3 soundtrack has to be one of the best video game soundtracks ever assembled.

2. Miley Cyrus - "What's Not To Like"

That's more representative, certainly according to my last.fm account. This one comes from the soundtrack for Hannah Montana: The Movie, though as far as I know this song is performed under the Miley Cyrus name rather than the Hannah Montana pseudonym, which bodes well because the Hannah Montana name usually does not produce Miley's best music. To answer the song's title, there is a bit not to like about this one, especially when stacked up against the movie's iconic "The Climb" though I don't have the mind to complain about what is, at the very least, a damn fun song even if it does not highlight Miley's best musical talents. As a side note, this makes me two for two in songs from soundtracks rather than albums. I don't own that many soundtracks.

3. Atmosphere - "A Girl Named Hope"

Slug is a storyteller, which is odd because so many of his songs are so incredibly personal. This one certainly does not seem any less so, but taking these experiences and making them compelling narratives are what great writers create, and its certainly what Slug and many of his contemporaries are able to accomplish. This one is a nice, more melancholic, but allows Slug to showcase his signature flow. And those lyrics, they are packed with some wonderful images at the very end.

4. Bob Dylan - "Joey"

When you ask me who are the five greatest musicians of all time I will answer, quite easily: Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, and Dylan. While this epic is not the lengthy song I would pick as my favorite Dylan tune, actually it wouldn't even make a shortlist, it displays some of the elements that make Desire a wonderful record, and of course the voice is infinitely iconic. Though I would not pick this as my favorite song, it does demonstrate Dylan's ability to carry a single thread throughout a song, perhaps acting as a modern day Milton or Homer. It's not as dreamy as I tend to go for in the Dylan I listen to, and it doesn't have the narrative pull of "Hurricane" or "The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carrol" though the final few verses become damn fine listening, making for a somber conclusion that serves as a testament to Dylan's poetic proficiency.

5. Slim Thug ft. Lil Ray - "Strippers"

More hip-hop, this time braggadocio. No place does braggadocio than Houston, and though I don't listen to all that much Slim Thug, and even less Lil Ray, this song is not as generic as it should be, which is good. It has a chopped and screwed chorus, shout outs to forgotten acts, and a lot of patriarchal comments demeaning the fairer sex. That scene has been faltering for a while, in no small part because Chamillionaire and Magno have gone silent, but I have a large pair of nostalgia glasses that keep me checking back to see what will eventually, with any hope, recapture that charm.

6. The Beatles - "Not A Second Time"

So many songs and The Beatles are what the shuffle says, huh? A testament to how much library cleaning I do, this song showcases the Beach Boys-lite vibe that most Beatles songs come with such as harmonies, fluffy and hollow lyrics, and simplistic instrumentals. Yuck. I need to stop before I blow my obligatory white college male cred.

7. the Mountain Goats - "Masher"

Now that, that's more what I am looking for. John Darnielle is American's greatest living poet, plain and simple, and that even means that he is above Dylan. Songs that should serve as vignettes, brief glimpses, are fully formed beasts that are stunningly beautiful. This one, well we all lose control at times. Not my favorite song from this record, but a testament to the songwriting chops that Darnielle brings. Rhymes that are simplistic, but enough meathpor and repetition to make rhyme a secondary focus of the song. As it concludes you hear the guitar being strummed harder, the frustration building, the beauty popping. And all the world is swallowed.

8. the Mountain Goats - "Southwood Plantation Road" to be replaced with...
Atmosphere - "Commodities" to be replaced with...
Demi Lovato - "U Got Nothin' On Me"

For all intents and purposes the English major in me should detest this song because of the choice to replace "you" with "U," because you're better than that, Demi. This second record, I once wrote, is a damn fine piece of pop from what is easily the most talented singer Disney has ever produced. Not the highlight of the CD, it does still allow for enough alterations between highs and lows for Demi to excel. The shifts from verse to chorus are wonderful, the backup shouts work to enhance the albeit simplistic, theme of the song and enhance the emotion that Demi brings to all of her songs. And when it slows down, and the instruments become minimal, Demi shines.

9. The Beatles - "I've Just Seen A Face" (seriously!?!) to be replaced with...
Weezer - "Take Control"

There was a point where Weezer sort of faltered. Or at least that is what critics tell me, and while a few of their albums are not all completely solid from top to bottom there are still gems in each one waiting to be discovered until you catch up with their two most recent stunning records. This song is pretty middling, it does not let Rivers exist at his best from a lyrical perspective and is too instrumentally heavy for my tastes, but it's listenable, I suppose. Of all the Weezer I don't know why this one would have been drawn.

10. James Blake - "Lindisfarne II"

Is there a better way to end this post than with James Blake? This song is best when paired with the first part, though of the two parts this is the one I prefer. What I love about Blake is that, while his lyrics are minimal and he uses his voice a bit more like an instrument than anything else, I can understand the sound progression that he makes in a song and from track to track. I don't get instruments and musical theory, Blake makes it tangible. The bumps come in slow. They take over. Blake returns. I simply bathe in the sounds, the senses, the stimulation. So beautiful.

And that, very briefly, is a look inside the inner workings of my iTunes library. There is a commonly held conception that music represents a person, that they are defined by the music. Well if that is true then I hope you learned something about me. Let me know in the comments.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Goals

Rich

Day 24 - Something You Learned

This entry will be a bit too tough because I think that I have learned a lot, not a day goes by when I don't, in some capacity, learn something. I think that the best way to handle this is to simply limit myself to the most important thing that I learned during this exercise. At least so far, there is still plenty of reflection and learning left to accomplish in the final few days, as the candles extinguish, as it all unravels. Still, even if I limit it to that I think that I have a good deal of narrowing down that I need to do as I attempt to discover the most important.

Actually, maybe it won't be all that difficult.

I think, at least I hope, what I learned is that I need to work hard, perhaps the hardest I have ever worked, in order to be honest with myself. It is easier said than done, but that's because my conception of identity is at odds with the idea of acceptance. I am too aware, hyper aware. Honesty is said to be the best policy, and a sense of self is probably most important when speaking about honesty. I actually just read an article today about feminist criticism in Turn of the Screw where it had a section that spoke about how we look in mirrors, that they constantly distort what we see, but we also recognize this as 'us.' However, the distortion means that we can never see what we really look like, so in order to know us we have to accept that everything we have seen of us is not us. So maybe I will never know who I am, but in the mean time I learned that I need to be honest, and that starts now. The train, she rolls uphill.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Shuffle

Rich

Day 23 - Favorite Vacation

Much like yesterday this entry will be shorter, perhaps even shorter because I have mostly given an overview of the few places I have been to that have left lasting impressions on me. It also does not help that many of the youthful memories I have of vacation are all that pleasant. There was the time at Disney in Florida that I broke down in tears because I was lost in the Honey I Shrunk the Kids playground, or when we went to the Bahamas when I was 8 or 9 and I spent the flight and first two days vomiting until I thought my stomach would come out.

Here's what I am going to do, I will simply tell about the best thing labeled as a vacation that I have had. It would have to be, hands down, the summer vacation after senior year in high school. It seemed like we, my friends, were at someone's house each night. Always hanging out, squeezing those dying days so tight we felt marrow. I don't remember taking many trips that summer, I don't even know if I went to the beach when everyone did, but I do know that I had a damn fine time. Days of youth spark out, nights burned away by my pool. I think I got a fucking tan! Like a tan that stood out from my normal skin tone. It was absolutely crazy. And it all led up, seemingly perfectly, to the release of Superbad. It was like an explosion of Michael Cera awesomeness, a birthday present a few days after the celebration of my springing forth in to this world. It all culminated with, while not the final, a goodbye that seemed to be injected with finality. I don't like the generic descriptors of life being a bunch of chapters, or a string of sections in an orchestra, becoming an opera, becoming the zeitgeist. But a time was ending. And it was sad, I didn't cry but it was damn sad. We stood out back, the stars coming out, of a movie theater that no longer exists. At the end of the film Seth and Evan don't say goodbye, they just drift apart, they look back longingly, but they move on. It's a sublime moment, and I remind myself of the two youths as I lovingly, with reserved terror, concealed excitement, limitless uncertainty, look back on this moment. And I know. I am sure, perhaps more sure of anything else, that I have a memory. That I had a vacation, a damn emotional vacation.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Something You've Learned

Rich

Day 22 - Favorite City

Today's entry will likely be the shortest of the bunch simply because, while I love the idea of cities, I do not feel as if I have seen enough, or spent enough time in any, to know which is my favorite or from where these affections would spring. The answer that becomes the most obvious is Philadelphia simply because I have spent the most time there, because it is easy to navigate and tends to satisfy all my needs for culture. But there are, in all likelihood, better places to satisfy these needs, that are easier to navigate, and probably have sports teams that I care much more for than any team that inhabits the Philadelphia area. Experience, experience, one day we will meet each other, hopefully naked, confined, and we won't look away from each other.

Until that day comes though I will simply leave this entry as open, one that I should revise in the future. Of the major cities I think I have only skimmed the surface of Baltimore and Washington, D.C. I once was in New York, but I did not spend much time in the city. San Francisco seems to be the hot spot for all the careers that I hope to work in, but my knowledge of that is limited to the construction of San Fran as portrayed in Full House. Chicago seems like a fun place, so I will be able to check that one out this summer. It would be killer to see Houston to, but Houston is more of a built up stand in for escapism than a city I have too much interest in visiting. Still, there are fifty states, and that's just in America. I mean who knows how many states they have in Europe!?!

Seriously though, I just have not seen enough to know which city is my favorite, which I would like to spend the time getting to know inside and out. My guess is that each one is worthy of that, as tends to be the case with the world in general. So I will start searching and I'll use future, post 30 Day Challenge posts, to tell stories about the cities that I visit. Maybe then we will know.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Favorite Vacation

Rich

Day 21 - Through My Eyes

I interpret this topic to mean that I should be talking about my philosophy or something. Life sucks, except when it's great. I'm going to break from the traditional format and do what I do kind of alright.

My Eyes

Days pass in blindness. Caressed by the dark
Until I open.
Pounding, my head forgets
As I fade in to childhood.
I am vexed.
I look upward with placid orbs
Slowly becoming a grounded air balloon
Torn and tattered.
I am deflated.
Inspecting forward I see pores,
Flesh, scars, days on the playground,
Perhaps I eventually see a face.
I am defined.
Downward I fall, becoming an ant
And seeing hundreds of the single blade,
Thousands of building blocks.
I am closed.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Favorite City

Rich

Day 20 - First Love

Probably of all the entries that I was going to write during the challenge I think this was the one that I feared the most because I simply did not know how to best to approach the topic. I know what this is asking about, but I don't think that I would be able to give much insight to the topic. I have attempted to be as honest as possible, to not keep much of anything hidden from the public's all seeing eyes, but today I think I have to, at least partially, hold back. Yes that goes against my introductory post, perhaps even goes against the ultimate goal of this blog, but I shall keep this short for the most part and simply say that I have not been in what is considered a relationship before. Years ago something occurred, but it's too difficult to explain, and I likely don't want to confront that anyway.

So I am not the most experienced person in this subject, but I reckon that at some point I will eventually meet someone that I click with, though, like I said before, I need to put myself more in the open. I've had crushes in the past, but none of those ever actually panned out, and at some point I think I became so frustrated with myself that I simply stopped. That, in itself, I feel, is frustrating as well, and for the most part that is the point that I am at right now. But yeah, I don't think I have had a first love in the way that this entry is asking for, and I could say any number of activities that I have a passion for but I doubt that really qualifies as well. We all have crushes, I think anyway, in high school, in college, in middle school, I can even remember them as far back as kindergarten. But even when they seem to work out I don't think that's love.

I have worries, great worries, about the subject. And those are worries about myself. But I don't want to turn this in to another entry where I spend the majority of it getting down on myself, I know what the problem is here. I don't know how to fix it, I actually think thinking about it only serves to hurt me in the long run, it certainly has not helped before. Maybe I'll figure it out, maybe I'll find more venues for practice, though those doors seem to have all shut in the past. Love is weird. I understand it well enough, or I understand the conception of it because in some way I think I am a romantic, but that's part of the problem as well. I have expectations, they build and build, and then I get confused when things aren't how I imagine. World, one day we will know one another, I hope.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Through My Eyes

Rich

Day 19 - Something You Miss

This sort of ties in with yesterday's post about regrets, though I think that this topic is a bit more tangible. Of all the things that I miss I feel that I would most miss the people that I have lost over the years. That answer, while probably a bit too simple, is also the most honest one that I can come up with at this point in time. I may have written before, I am not entirely sure, that for the most part I see myself as the oldest male in my family, and society tells me that position comes with a ton of pressure and responsibility. Even if I had one of the primary people I have lost over the years back that would remove the constant feelings of inadequacy that contemplating this topic has filled me with each time I have pondered it. But obviously that is not why I would have picked this, because at some point we all have to handle pressure.

No, what I most miss are the memories that I have missed out on, the trips that would have been taken, the major events and how they would have been different. I wonder how I would have been different. How would I have formed, how would I think, would these words even be typed right now? Would I be in college? Would I be in New Jersey? The questions all swirl, they fester, they eat away. And yeah, I just miss having a father figure, someone to whom I can always confide in, someone with the experience to point me in the right direction when I fall off the path. Even someone to joke around with, to talk sports with, to bond. I don't think I'd be able to pick just one person to have back, there are advantages to all of them, so I am not going to force myself to limit it to one person. I know some people look back and say they don't miss anything, I am not one of those people.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: First Love

Rich

Day 18 - Regret

When asked to think about regrets I could list a myriad of times that I yearn to recapture, to relive, to experience again. But despite the abbreviated title I have given to the entry the point is to think of the one regret that I most have. I certainly regret not being able to see my dad before he passed away, I regret fighting with my grandfather, but I don't know if any of these are my absolute biggest regrets. Right now I probably regret, at least partially, the way I have approached college. With so many clubs, so many things to do, I think I didn't take advantage of any of it. I should have been building life lone relationships, and maybe I have, but there are always more. However, below that there is a larger regret that I have.

I have a tendency to say no, to not take chances. This is the way I am, I don't really know why, but I think it's possible to change. I think I am at least trying to do that now, though I need to also make sure that I don't shatter my comfort. It's this balance which I have lost, at times lately quite a bit. But I think my avoidance, saying no, that is what cost me my time. I also think this regret does encompass the majority of my regrets, even if it does seem like a bit of a cop out. Ultimately, everything, all the minor regrets, they seem just that. Minor. I don't know if it's a problem, I have trouble thinking that the way I am is necessarily a 'problem,' but it is something that I need to work on to better adjust in society. Damn society. As a person though it may help me, maybe. Either way, I think I'll always have regrets, but maybe I can do something to make the future a little better. I don't like missing connections I don't much think, so I'll continue to work to minimize regret.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Something You Miss

Rich

Day 17 - Looking Forward

Another entry that challenges me in unexpected ways, though for much different reasons than yesterday's post. I look forward to a great many things, but I rarely look forward to anything major. I find that having smaller anticipations in the near future helps me to keep going, always gives me something to focus on. Right now I am looking forward to The Suite Life movie at the end of the month, and to seeing how The Office works without Steve Carell. I look forward to playing Catherine and Batman: Arkham City this summer. Seeing The Tree of Life and Hugo Cabret. In all likelihood I doubt any of these are what this particular entry hopes to evoke, and I know for certain that I am not content to settle with this stop gaps just because they happen to fit the bill.

But then that makes me ask if I look forward to anything.

I think I do, but for many of the ideas it seems that 'hope for' is better than 'look forward to' because of the uncertainty involved. I hope to have a great job. I look forward to eventually starting a family. The words are mostly interchangeable. The future, I suppose, is too vague. It's also one of my fears partially, but I think we all look forward to our fears in some way or another. Graduation in May is too easy, plus it's not really a complete graduation anyway since I have another year for my Masters. So, what do I look forward to enough to make it my one thing? When I ask myself that I suppose the only answer can be that I look forward to tomorrow. Take that to mean what you will.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Regrets

Rich

Day 16 - Dream House

This category seems pretty superficial to me, and thus I think it goes against the intentions I have for this blog. In hindsight I should have replaced it, still I'll see what I can get out of this one. In a previous entry, I am pretty sure, I talked about a love for capitalism. If not then I should say that I love capitalism. It lines up with the whole individualism thing. Still, I don't know how extravagant I'd want my home to be. Probably pretty extravagant. It sure would be cool to have my own movie theater I guess, theoretically with a projector so I can re-create the theatrical experience in my home. Also, a bowling alley would be dank so that I could pretend I was Daniel Day Lewis at the end of There Will Be Blood. Really though I think I would be content with a pool, preferably one that is in ground. I like the water, and while the beach is fun it's far away and I like being able to just walk outback, or out front if I want to be avant-garde.

Honestly I'm happy with my home right now. It's roomy enough, we have an entertainment type room, though I would like to have the downstairs or the garage be something more, and I have a bedroom. We have a pool, there are enough bathrooms. It's a house. I mean I'm not going to live here forever so I don't see the point in doing much to add to this house, but I would be content to eventually live somewhere similar, customize it to my likings. I also like to have a fish tank, a nice TV to play games on. Probably a few chairs. Geometrically sound. A house.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Something You're Looking Forward To

Rich

Day 15 - Literary Quotation

"Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary." - Mark Twain

As an English major I thought this entry would be an easy one, but that was not the case. When I think of literature I do not automatically think of novels or books, perhaps not even just poems or plays. I think about the figures behind these works, as probably pointless as that is given how I feel about the way literature should exist, and while I am not an unabashed fan of Mark Twain this quote I think resonates both in a literary sense and in a personal sense. For me it speaks about purity, perhaps a purity of experience, perhaps a purity of existence. I have been told on numerous occasions that I need to be more openly emotional, and I suppose I understand that well enough but when I make these attempts I cannot help but feel all the more depressed about whatever facade I am putting on in order to appease whoever needs appeasing. It is simply inauthentic, and I'm only one for this type of false authenticity if it is done knowingly to comment on something.

Actually, I have trouble with the concept of emotions entirely. They exist, or at least I believe them to exist independently of the social construct that other ideas which we tie to emotions are said to exist, but I feel as if the communication process becomes a way of feigning emotion rather than communicating. I wrote in earlier entries that I don't really understand, or don't process as well, the intricacies of the way communication works. On a theoretical level I understand it, perhaps may even be able to manipulate it at times, but on a practical level I don't understand it at all. So when I realize that I am having emotional reaction, positive or negative to use binary talk, I become aware of it and am, at least momentarily, surprised. Momentarily happy even, sometimes regardless of circumstance. It's this feeling of freedom that most people I know exude and I don't, but I hope to at some point.

But I, slightly, digress. There is a quote in I'm Not There that talks about Bale's version of Dylan making "finger pointing songs" and turning them out like ticker tape. He takes ideas that we all have but puts them in words. In a way I think all great literature, novels, songs, film, games, plays, poems, act in this way. They make us aware. And this quote, well it's not one that I will likely ever forget because it does, so wonderfully, capture a thought that I always knew but never spoke. Or never framed. It asks me to see myself and to see others, to look at the divides and further create an identity, a relation to my world. For that I thank Mark Twain, and more importantly I thank literature.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Dream House

Rich

Day 14 - A Picture You Love

The first time I saw this photo I did not know much of the historical context, though it still struck quite a chord with the adolescent me, on the cusp on independence - to an extent - as I made my way from high school to college. This was around the time I started getting heavy in to Bob Dylan, and it jived with most of the ideas that he was turning me on to as well. To be honest I'm still not 100% on the whole political ramifications of this photograph, but as some white American removed from conflict I can still, almost completely, reflect on what goes through me when I see it and think about what it is 'saying.' That phrase kind of pisses me off, by the way. If my reading of the photo is politically off base I guess you can hold that against me, but in the grand scheme of things politics only matter as much as they hinder or promote the process of artistic creation.

To me I see a display of individualism. I think we all, collectively, talk about the freedom of individual expression, but only in as much as it does not jeopardize the freedoms that we all enjoy. In a way I am guilty of this as well, we like to rock the boat, not drill a hole in it and grow gills. But here the contrast works perfectly, man against the machine, both literally and figuratively. The future is not a concern, the liberation and expression is what is captured. What comes before or after is irrelevant. What we have is a means of expression, forever still and expressing. Faceless and nameless, at least if we only examine the photo, and perhaps simply beautiful. The photo does not need to happen in Tienanmen Square, it can be anywhere on Earth at any time as far as I'm concerned because, politically, it does not much matter what motivations led to its existence. What matters is the message, the life it has taken on in me, in this post, in whoever reads the post, and that...well that is beauty.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Literary Quotation

Rich

Day 13 - Beliefs

This is probably the part where I write something jumbled about how I don't believe in much of anything, but I don't think would be necessarily true. The easiest way to tackle this, and the way it was intended, I suppose is for me to talk a bit about religion. That's not really my place, I don't think. As far as I know I'm a Christian at least in the sense that I was baptized Lutheran, my mom's family are Catholic, and I do believe in the traditional Christian version of God, but I think I am much closer to an Agnostic than anything, maybe a non-denominational Christian. There are a bunch of quotes about how God gave us potential for knowledge and it was intended to be used, or some scientifically inclined. I believe in evolution, but I believe in creation to an extent as well. Not the way it's recorded, but that there's a comfort in thinking that something higher exists. Like many of my beliefs I tend to feel that I believe them in spite of logic, and I would advise no one else to believe anything similar.

Here's the thing though, I really don't much know what I believe. I know this blog is meant to make me think about that, and I did, but my perception of truth and certainty only makes the nihilist in my come out and that tends to only be fun for myself, and even then it eventually spirals in to hopelessness. I believe there is a tangible reality somewhere, I don't know exactly where that is. I'm not quite sure anyone knows, I'm not quite sure at times that there is an anyone. So maybe it is easier to say, as Rush have, that I don't believe in belief. The world does tend to work in circles, paradoxical circles. I guess I believe in the present, however I conceive of that. Perhaps that's where the complication comes in, since the present is always moving it never actually is there when I say it's there, and that's where I get tripped up. But yes, that's what I believe. Present. Now. No, now.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: A Picture You Love

Rich

Day 12 - Favorite TV Shows

I said way back in the first daily entry of this that I was addicted to culture, and as such the picture box is one of the venues to which I have an addiction. The best way to tackle all of the shows I love is to break things down in to categories and go from there, which means that for what I do not write about I will be sure to include as honorable mentions. But I am only human, which means that some shows will be left out.

Comedy

Being my favorite genre entirely I figured this was the best place to start. While television comedy is at somewhat of a high point right now I must reach a bit farther back to pull out what is likely the best television series ever crafted. Bringing together an insanely talented cast, crafting an entirely consistent world, and layering jokes within jokes means that Arrested Development will always have a special place in my heart. I sometimes think the show is not as good as I remember, but then I watch an episode and remind myself that I can be stupid sometimes. Come on!

Honorable mentions: Community, Parks and Recreation, Eastbound and Down

Animation

No show has ever been more daring than Moral Orel. This show could easily become grating, taking easy jabs at neo-Christians, but Orel is far too sophisticated for simple skewering. It helps that the show, ultimately, is not about attacking the church or Christians. There is a large hyperbolic element to the way members of the congregation are portrayed, but the focus on Orel's innocence is so damn lovable that we realize faith is never bad. The show really picks up at the end of its second season and in the fantastic third season. No show, animated or otherwise, confronts the stark topics that the show tackles in its ultimate season. And to do all that while making use of a sustained story arc that is fully fleshed out, but still contained to small 15 minute chunks. I should go more in depth about this show at Processed Grass at some point.

Honorable Mentions: South Park, Archer, Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Miscellaneous

Just going to take this section to briefly mention a few other shows that I have mostly fallen in love with. Skins has eaten away large chunks of my life lately as I plowed through the first four seasons of the show. The portrayals are not always realistic in content, I suppose, but the relationships that develop are fleshed out. Engrossing vignettes of characters on the boarder of adulthood. Just started following the recently started Series 5, and enjoying that a good bit after episode two. Also, Cassie! Wizards of Waverly Place has one Hell of a cast, but what is impressive about the show is how it has decided to sustain larger story arcs from week to week. It's ambitious, not always logical or completely developed, but damn ambitious coming from a network that was content to push out serialized weekly amusements. LOST also had me engrossed for a good time as well, and I look forward to revisiting it at some point. Around the Horn tends to feature Woody Paige talking about sports, and I could watch that everyday.

So that's just a brief overview of my TV watching habits. I look forward to checking out The Wire in the next few months along with Twin Peaks. Television has made strides and it continues to develop. I can't wait to see where it goes in the future.

Thanks for reading!

Tomorrow's Topic: Beliefs

Rich

Day 11 - Fears

It would be easy to be superficial with this entry, to simply say that I am most afraid of snakes. Those animals have always, probably will always, terrify me. No animal without legs should be able to move that quickly, cover that much ground, be so damn small yet still deadly. Or big and deadly! They can bite you, strangle you, and probably other things that I don't know about. Whether or not they are poisonous, snakes scare the shit out of me. In addition to that I also have some fears about drowning, which seems like a fairly dreadful way to die, though perhaps not as bad as being buried alive. Though i have not nearly had to confront those as much as I have had to confront snakes, so they have slithered their way to the top of my list. But I think I would prefer to get less physical with this entry, I think for an entry titled "Fears" I ought to discuss a few of my many not so tangible troubles.

Chief among these worries would be the concerns I have about the future. Actually, I will probably just dedicate the rest of this entry to subsets of that fear. I spend a lot of time thinking about time. I put things in perspective and, even though I'm only twenty one, I always come to the realization that what I think is a long time never really is all that long. What does not scare me about the passing of time is the fear of death. I guess that is a concern, the mystery of it all, but I don't spend much time worrying about that because I think the more concerning part about this fear is that I will continue to go through life and feel as if I have simply squandered all my time. That I will always be building toward something, but never accomplish anything. I worry about finding a job, possibly about when I will work in general. And where, too. Once school is finished, completely, if I will have the chance to enunciate what I know. Who will I be surrounded by. Will all the people I know disappear? how real is college? That uncertainty, that is what scares me.

And I'm afraid, I think, of failure. I'm afraid that it is unavoidable. Not that I can't cope with it, not that it will happen, but that it will always happen. That I am the reason why it happens. That in order to stop these fears I need to change, I'm afraid that I can't change. I'm afraid that if I do change then I am admitting to failure, that I am in some ways shunning myself. And these fears, they do more than make me scared, they make me angry, they make me frustrated. At myself, at the world, the way society functions, the way I am trapped, the way that I can change everything if I tried harder, or tried differently. And there's the fear, I suppose, at least partially, of being alone. But I don't know if I feel all that afraid of that, that just adds to the fear of myself. The constantly repeated line is "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself" and I'm not so sure that I agree with that. Perhaps all we have to fear is fear of self. And maybe the world just knows how to cope with it better than I do, but I'm afraid. I'm damn afraid.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Favorite TV Shows

Rich

Day 10 - Favorite Games

Today I had planned to do a massive blow out of some of my favorite video games, but I have been stricken with some sort of minor illness and I doubt that I will be able to get all that much typing done, at least not coherently. So instead I am just going to post a little bit about my favorite franchise: Metal Gear Solid. I have nothing but the utmost respect for Hideo Kojima, and I have called his masterwork the medium's most important body of work, rivaled perhaps only by what Miyamoto has done in the industry since the early days of Nintendo. The Metal Gear series is criticized for being overly convoluted, and while it is not without merit if you play the games and have a decent memory it is not more difficult to figure the series out than it is to come to a satisfying conclusion about The Matrix, Star Wars, or any number of literary compilations, like Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter, that develop their own universe.

But Kojima does more than develop a complex world, in fact he takes many cues from world history and conflicts to lay the groundwork for the Solid Snake universe. Kojima has the world, the plot, the characters to hold his story together, but the ballast is the thematic fortitude that is found in each individual entry as well as the series entirely. The series explores the ramifications of a completely technologically reliant world, the corruption of governments, and the meaning of being. I can remember first getting MGS for the first Playstation, and I hardly knew what I was in for. The way the game didn't place the focus on the gunning, but rather on the sneaking. The colorful bosses, the twisting script, it all converged in a beautiful display of creativity.

Then the second game came out on the PS2 and I found what I still consider to be my favorite game. Sons of Liberty has Kojima reaching beyond the disc in ways that even surpass the encounter with the beloved Psycho Mantis from its predecessor. Lines are blurred until we are no longer sure that we are playing a game, or where the game world ends and our world begins. The notable challenge to expectation is the inclusion of Raiden as the main character, or the heavy focus on his romance with Rose, but as the game builds Kojima further reveals his hand. As we watch the systems of the game crumble, we also see the illusions that the world has created for us crumble as well. It reaches, it makes us think, and it keeps it all in line with the rest of the fiction. What Kojima achieves is not only a marvelous balancing act, he finds awareness.

The following two games in the series, actually three since Peacewalker is meant to be MGS5 (though my PSP's memory stick is so small that I have not had the pleasure of diving in to the continued adventures of Big Boss), are also top notch, culminating in a climactic battle that is one of the series's best moments. And obviously these games would not be great if they did not have the gameplay to support them. The level design is pitch perfect, allowing players to decide how open or concealed they want to remain, and the controls are always tight because the action never gets too taxing even if you decide to go in guns ablaze in each area. It's fundamental game design perfected, the tricks are there, but you always feel free. And there are always Easter eggs tucked away to make the experience that much more complex.

I'm sorry I could not give the series my full attention. I hope, one day, to use the Metal Gear Solid series in my crusade for the academic recognition of video games's validity since it works one each and every level, but today is not that day. Still, Kojima's masterpiece, or pieces as the case may be, defines the power of games for me, and I can't wait to see how he continues the series. Or, you know, he could work on something else, but he seems to have unfortunately been pressured in to remaining attached to the franchise by various death threats from fans. Probably a good counter argument to the games as art debate as well in the way Kojima has been, seemingly, forced to extend a series instead of simply telling a story and moving on, but I would contend that claim.

Thanks for reading!

Tomorrow's Topic: Fears

Rich

Day 9 - Pets

In my life I have had two major pets, both dogs. Our first dog was a beagle mixed with a few other breeds and was named Snoopy. I remember enough about him, though I have also heard more stories about him than I actually remember. My mom and dad had him before I was born, but in my formative years I think it did help to have a pet. Usually kids get pets to learn responsibility or something similar, but what I learned from him was the idea of the unconditional bond. And as the years went on I learned loss. In his final days I recall him losing control of his bladder, and I slightly remember when I learned that we were going to be putting him down. The days and weeks that followed were difficult, it was as if I had lost a family member. Though looking back perhaps it was for the best because it did prepare me, at least partially, for the other more direct familial losses that I would confront only a few years later.

The second pet, my current dog, Star, is part Lab and part German Shepard. The ride home I can still recall vividly. We drove home with her in a cardboard box, just a puppy. I look at her now and it is hard to believe that she was once so small. I have a feeling that, as she limps onward toward the end of her life, that I shan't have another companion like her for quite some time, perhaps never. We trained her enough, but what I find so impressive is how she learned. I watch shows like The Dog Whisperer and it seems to advocate that you act as a distant leader, but my experience has taught me that you ought to be friends with your dog. And by approaching a pet like that I made a friend, a loyal companion. I can sit on the top flight of steps and put my arm up and she'll walk over and sit next to me. We can play on the floor or in the snow, and even now as she gets older and older she finds bursts of energy to play. I do not imagine she will be here much longer, but even the anticipation is not going to shield what is coming.

I have also had fish for a number of years, a few different kind, but it's hard to get attached to fish I suppose. Still, I like the idea of fish and even though the one I have now is kind of a pain in the ass I would love to get a tank of my own to look after. On the Dreamcast there was a game called Seaman, and that is probably responsible for my love of aquatic creatures (though the two did eventually become not fish). I also, unofficially, have three cats. Two stray cats camp out around my house, though we don't feed them or anything, but I can't really turn them away either because they are pretty friendly creatures. The kitten peered up at the door one time, and that was pretty sweet, but it makes getting in at night a hassle sometimes because they can't come in the house at the risk of throwing off the delicate balance of the home. Also, the Apache Chief is one Hell of a creature, and I will claim that cat as my own as well. None of these animals come close to my dog, and I am sure that where ever I end up living I will have a dog because that companionship is beautiful. I saw My Dog Tulip a while ago, and while the movie didn't hit home as much as it should have, it captures the beauty of this type of companionship, one that simply exists. The power relationship may be warped, perhaps there is more below the surface than I consider, but when it comes down to it, it is love. And I can't imagine life without a pet.

Thanks for reading!

Tomorrow's Topic: Favorite Games

Rich

Day 8 - Favorite Films

This topic I could discuss at length, or I could simply point you to the most recent version of my Top 97 Films of All Time, but I think the best way to pursue this topic is to discuss some films that I feel are unique to my list, to my tastes, as a means of revealing my favorites. And, of course, I will discuss a bit more why I have There Will Be Blood as my top film over the ever beloved Dr. Strangelove. But enough about the non-film talk, this entry should be one of the most fun to type up. No more postponing, let's make this happen!

First up is a lesser known film titled Lymelife. I have the softest of spots for coming of age films, it may perhaps be my favorite type of film. I have an even softer spot for Emma Roberts, and when she's firing on all cylinders, as is the case here, I am practically guaranteed to love the film. Thankfully this one also has a bit more to chew on outside of the talented cast (boasting two Culkins and Alec Baldwin), such as the inspection of a tattered American dream and the way reality can consume us, how it all collapses around us, and how we rebel. Also, some really terrific scenes. While this film sits lower on my Top 97, and will likely slide as I watch more film, I am eager to revisit it a third time to see what else I can gain from it.

Speed Racer is not a film that will be seen on many lists, and when it released I remember a bit of a backlash against the Wachowski's visual joyride. I really don't understand how it is possible to not be completely entranced by the stylistic grace brought to every frame of the film. The editing alone is enough to laud the film, basically taking the anime style of The Matrix and applying it to a live action adaptation of an anime. Even the casting keeps this theme in mind, casting the wide-eyed Christina Ricci in the love interest role, existing as an extension of the animeverse. When it comes down to fun, craft, and engaging narratives few films excel the way Speed Racer does.

King of Comedy is not the Martin Scorsese joint. Rather this one comes from the mind of comedic genius Stephen Chow. While I have loved the other Chow films I have seen, Kung Fu Hustle and Shaolin Soccer, nothing really compares to the gags of this film, or even the narrative for that matter. The jokes are not only funny because of the dialogue, but the way Chow and the other characters move is a joy, the sight gags are hysterical, and it has one of the coolest posters I have ever seen. Asian cinema is far too big of a blindspot for me, especially since I have enjoyed all the Asian films I have seen with a few notable exceptions.

Hercules is my favorite film from Disney Animation Studios. The jokes land, the heart is there, the music is phenomenal, and visually the film oozes style that it second to nothing from the studio. The color, the angles, it's all so perfectly crafted. It also brings me back to my childhood that other favorites like The Lion King only accomplish partially. So fantastic, I could watch this film every day. Also, James Woods gives the best voice acting performance...of all time!

Jeanne Dielman, sitting just one spot ahead of Hercules, is some three and a half hour long Belgian film about a lady who cooks veal. And potatoes. She also sends letters out. Oh yeah, and whores around to make money to support herself and her son. She does this whoring in the home. People also don't really talk in this film. And it is brilliant! Jeanne Dielman has been a beacon for feminist cinema, and as we watch the film play out I find it hard to argue with that claim. The film is complex, layered, and haunting. Underseen, perhaps, but still one of the best films of all time.

And finally there is the number one film. I was unsure whether or not it was 'right' to put There Will Be Blood ahead of Dr. Strangelove, but then I realized it didn't matter. Paul Thomas Anderson's brilliant examination of humanity through the portrayal of Daniel Plainview captures both the American spirit, in all its beauty and horror, but also the latent humanity that we all try to hide, to repress. It's a film made for me, it's the reason I watch film. I ask myself whenever I think about this if this is the best film ever made, if a film can be better than this one, and I hold out hope that one will be, but somewhere in my head I think I know the answer is negative. Each time I watch a film, in or out of the theater, I hope to capture the feelings I had at the conclusion of There Will Be Blood, and it has not happened yet. Perhaps it never will, but I will continue to chase.

So those are a few highlights of what makes my favorite films unique to me. I actually think most of my list is pretty unique, though I also expect it to change radically over the next few years as I see more films. And that is good, we all seek quality.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Pets

Rich

Day 7 - A Picture That Makes You Happy

This photo is not of my car, though it is close enough (a Buick and a ride that a senior citizen would drive) that if you imagine it is black, has a few more nicks, and New Jersey plates you basically have my car. I am not really a big 'car' person, in fact I really only know the basics of how to handle such contraptions, but I love the idea of my car. There is a song by Atmosphere where Slug says, "My car is my own personal universe, she's my drug and it only takes twelve bucks to fill her up." The price of gas has fluctuated since the release of the Lucy Ford LP, but the line still strikes me as appropriate. Since being able to drive I have always found my car as, at times, my only place of refuge. The area where I am completely in control of, just about, everything. The radio doesn't play, I pick the music. The roads don't exist, they fade in the background. I know where I am going, but I can get lost. Hopefully not in any literal sense, though that has happened on more than several occasions because my sense of direction is not one of my shinning qualities. But despite that fault, despite my lack of knowledge, I still love my car

The act of driving itself is not so great, but I think the promise of solitude is what attracts me to the idea of my car, and why I selected this picture. I, sometimes more than most people I think, need time for me (I have written this before, but there is a great irony in this statement, I believe). It's not about control, it's about the sense of security, which is funny considering cars, mine and others, are generally a huge, steel death trap. But this security, this sense of calm, of seclusion, is beautiful. Some people find such peace in nature, climbing mountains, surfing, hiking. While I have had experiences in the water, snow, and woods that are equally as beautiful, none are as readily available as the automobile. Human engineering at its finest!

I rarely drive anywhere aimlessly, the price at the petrol station is too much to allow a college student with minimal income that luxury, but even with a destination in mind I look forward to drives. Whether I am simply heading to campus, heading out of state, or anywhere else I anticipate the ride. The frustrations go away, the traffic is irrelevant, I can envelope myself in music, in thoughts, in self and get lost. I can exist. I would not have thought the picture of the car would be the one I picked to personify happiness, but when I really think it over I do not know if there is a more perfect picture. It encapsulates me, all the faults and the quirks. And you know, I don't think I'd ever be happy with an extension of self, and for me that is mighty damn cool. So Slug, it is also my own personal universe. It's comforting isolation, it's a tad depressing and desolate also, but I live for that tension, it's one of the most attractive qualities of life, of the human condition. Whether it be an old person's car or my mom's old Camry, it is happiness, it is beauty, it is natural.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Favorite Movies

Rich

Day 6 - Family

I have covered much of my family in the posts of the previous days, so I think for the most part this one is going to be a shorter entry. Family is a pretty complex entity, and I am not as close with my extended family as some people I know, but that does not mean that we don't care about each other. My family is split between my mom and my dad's sides, and while I grew up mostly around my one grandmom from my mom's side, as a whole my dad's side is one tightly knit group of people. One of the main reasons for this, I think, is because of my grandmom and my Aunt Joyce. Through great times and bad times they have acted as ballasts for the family, keeping traditions alive despite the passing of time and of other family members.

Conversely, I am not so very much aware of the extended family on my mom's side, only having encountered a few other members on a few select occasions. They seem like interesting people, good to spend time with, tell jokes with, hear stories from. Maybe that's one of the values that family can give, a simple bond, but a strong bond. A collective of people that raise you, that just accept you, unspoken words that you understand. That I understand anyway. And that makes me happy.

I have a supportive family, immediate and extended, a luxury that many people do not have. Cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents. All areas covered, all lined with caring, interesting, and fantastic souls. I may only spend time with them on major events and holidays, but they always make those events special. Hours where I don't have to worry, where I can just be, take in everything. That, I suppose, is also what family can do, and in there I find beauty.

Thanks for reading!

Tomorrow: A Picture That Makes You Happy

Rich

Day 5 - Friends

In hindsight I should have staggered out these parents, siblings, friends, family, and pets entries out a bit more because, quite frankly, they are all going to be long and leave me pretty much drained after typing (more time for Skins!). Of all those posts I figure that this one will end up being the longest, though also the most directly relevant for most of the readers of the site. My friends have been a huge part of my life for about as long as I have breathed on this massive planet we refer to as the Earth.

The best place to start is with who was, essentially, my very first friend. When I was just a baby I met Mike T, a baby of my mom's friend, slightly older than me. While Mike lives about half an hour or so away from me, we spent a lot of time in the summers hanging out, whether on family vacations together or at one another's house. From him I met a ton of other great people who lived in Marlton and had some great times in that area. And then there were the camping trips that we all took every year. I don't much care for camping, but having someone to chill with around the fire or while kyaking made the outdoors a lot more enjoyable than they have any right to be on their own. We don't talk so often any more, that is life taking its course I guess, but I really should make more of an effort because going over to his house for Christmas or cookouts are some of my favorite times of the year and I always look forward to them. I guess we aren't the closest of friends, but I imagine my life would be radically different without all the great times we had growing up.

Growing up I spent a lot of my days at my grandparents' house because both of my parents worked, so many of the friends I made were also from that area. Next door Jenny and Kelly lived, and when we were all a lot younger I think the two of them were probably my best friends. They were both older than I was, which was pretty cool, and we all loved Nickelodeon. My memory of my youth, I suppose, is clouded by both nostalgia and age, but I do remember walking home from the bus stops, playing on the swing set, and basically always having a great time. Great friends.

As I continued my years throughout school I formed another solid group of friends who I am sure that I will remember for the rest of my life, even if we do not really hang around too much any more. Each day after school we would all go down to the local reservoir and play pick up games of football, a time that I looked forward to from just about the third grade until high school or so. Of this group of friends I was closest to Bret and Carmen, the three of us were basically the Three Muskateers. We spent nearly each day together, we had our own spots back in the woods, did stuff on Friday nights, and talked about everything. We had other friends as well, Jon, Jamie, Mike, Dom, Billy, and some other people I am probably forgetting, and I am probably a bit closer to these people I just listed now than I am currently with Bret and Carmen, but at the time we were practically inseparable. I look back and I see myself now, mostly stagnant, unsure how I existed in a life where I always seemed to have something planned, to be doing something, and I yearn for that excitement again. Maybe I just want to play more football.

At some point we all sort of drifted apart, and in high school, in middle school actually, I really started integrating myself with the group of friends who I still am closest with to this day. The easiest way to document this is by going back the farthest, which coincidentally lines up with my best friend. If memory serves, and I suppose it does, I met Steve when we were in fifth grade. I'm not exactly sure when, though we were in the same classes, but I do know that we were both about equally good at rough on the basketball court each recess. I also know that the two points dance was the dankest of the dank. We shared most of the same classes in high school and I can still, for the most part, recount all the extraneous adventures that we had during those years and beyond. It was good to have someone who got me, interests, jokes, hobbies, and have talks about all that stuff. Lately, for me, it feels like we hit a bit of a rough patch, I might have changed, maybe, but we still hang out and talk, and that's great, and thick or thin I still count Steve as, easily, my best friend.

Through him I also met a few of my other closest friends, Ian and John. In high school we hung out in groups, but it probably was not until college that we spent too much time with each other outside of these groups, and that is a damn shame because these are two great guys as well. I probably never would have considered going to a gym (I still don't consider this, though the idea of exercising is different) if it was not for this past summer yaking with Don John. Ian is a blast to hang out with too because he always has so much energy, which works well because it lets me indulge in my own pent up energy or be balanced out depending on my mood. Also I started talking with Alex because of him, and Alex is also a completely cool guy who knows his music. No one better to have a Pitchfork centered conversation with than Alex.

Then there is Steve L., someone I have known since about sixth grade as well. We were kind of friends back then, but as the years went on we became better friends since we had mutual pals. In many ways I can relate to Steve because he is the most directly like me person that I hang out with, I think. Connected, at least tangentially, to Steve L. are my friends Kevin and King Brian. Kevin's a great guy as well, one of the most genuinely funny people that I know, always ready with a comeback or a joke. That takes wit. King Brian is going to be a doctor, preferably one that opens up crocodiles' heads. Seriously though, Brian not only has a work ethic that I can admire, I wish that I was half as chilled out as he seems to be almost all of the time. It's crazy. We all need to have a poker game again.

And in this poker game we also need to invite Jeff, a friend I met through John, Steve L, and Kevin. He goes to college with them, and lives with two of them right now. I'm not really sure how I became seemingly good friends with Jeff, but I'm not really going to question it all that much either. One of these guesses, I suppose, is that he listens to me go on about Disney and Skins with few objections. Regardless, I have already had a great number of times with him and am sure there will be many more. Also, completely dank family cookouts. I love family cookouts.

I have other friends from high school, namely Justin and Tom, who are two really cool people as well, though I have not seen them too much since starting college, which does kind of suck. The internet is an amazing thing though, I should make an attempt to reconnect.

Now is the point where I fail to come up with a witty transition that makes mention of how we all make new friends when we go off to college. I am no exception, and over my four years at TCNJ I actually have made new and different friends each year, which I think adds up to a pretty successful social stint at my university considering that I tend to have social struggles. Freshman year on T-5 was great, and on that floor I met nearly all of my closest friends from TCNJ. Figuring out how to tackle this is difficult because I will, inevitably, leave people off if I try to list my relationship with each and every person. So instead I'll just concentrate, further, in letting my mind do most of the writing.

In freshman year I spent a lot of my free time, as I did the next year as well, hanging out with my friends Jeff and Bill. We had the same Freshman seminar class, but it actually took a few weeks for me to start making friends with most people. For some reason we all just kind of clicked. It probably helps that both of them are really friendly. Also, I was able to talk all kinds of sports with them, which is fantastic. Jeff's roommate Alex is also another T-5 alumni who is also a blast to spend time with, talk sports and games, generally just chill. Speaking of chill, I also met Jesper that year, and he has to be the most relaxed, jovial person I have ever known. Over these last few weeks we need to have beers or something again.

Sophomore year I met Nicco, Sean, Eric, and Lou. Nicco and Sean are both really cool in their own unique ways as well. Actually, I lived with Sean for one year and Nicco for two. Interesting times. I have not really spent too much time hanging out with Lou or Eric either, though they both live somewhat close to my actual house I think, but they did make sophomore year incredibly memorable. Both of these guys are probably at least ten times more cultured than I can ever hope to be, and I am really luck to be friends with them. What stands out the most is that I think I have actually had some of my more open conversations with the two of them that sophomore year. A recurring theme with people I call my friends is that I can trust them, and Lou and Eric were two of the fastest people I felt I could trust.

And then in junior year I became friends with three more great people. At this point in time I was starting to get some field experience teaching. During my JFE I co-taught/co-designed a lesson with Caroline. It was so helpful to have someone to go through each day with, and the creativity and passion that Caroline brought to each class was so inspiring. Also in my education class that went along with the JFE I met Nicole and Kristen. Kristen is always bright and happy when I see her, even when we were student teaching and everyone was completely stressed out. I can't fathom being able to project that much positivity, but it always does cheer me up. And Nicole is always fantastic to talk with and ever reliable. She's well spoken and so intelligent, and has been a great friend since I met her. I always feel like I have sometime to talk with with her, and I'm really thankful for that.

And it wouldn't be college if I didn't have roommates of my own. I have heard people tell nightmare stories of their roommates, but I was incredibly lucky with my roommates. Freshman year I had probably the best roommate that I could have asked for. Dom is also an English/Education major at TCNJ, and before going to college we did not know each other. Dom is confident, talented, and pretty much just a concentration of joy. Someone to look up to. And he's also a really down to earth guy. He made efforts to relate to me, to communicate with me, and while I might not have made it easy for him (this is becoming a recurring theme with these posts) I think we did have a pretty great freshman year. Like I said, just a fantastic guy and a stellar roommate. Sophomore year I lived with my friend Mark, and things went really well that year as well I think. We had floor Smash Brothers matches, Rock Band nights, and Moral Orel watchings. We had a lot in common, and sophomore year was also pretty damn dank. I've already talked about the people I shared a house with junior year (Jesper, Sean, and Nicco), but we also got a new housemate, Tom, halfway through the year. Had many a good talk with him about games, he knows his shit, and also someone to watch Community each week with, which was great. Now I'm sharing a room with my friend Jim, also a T-5 freshman year member, and it's once again excellent. Jim is absolutely hysterical, what a wonderful sense of humor. But it's more than that, Jim is also just great to talk with because he can have a conversation about anything, offering such insight. What I really admire about Jim is how aware he seems to be, he has an apparent knowledge of who he is. Some people, myself included, spend years trying to figure out who they are, and I think Jim knows. And that's damn impressive. Hoping to keep making these last few months of our lease some of the best.

And then somewhere beyond the tangible world I have friends as well. Most of my online friends come from the Filmspotting Forum, literally the greatest community of people on the internet ever. It's not just a place to talk about movies, it's a great sized community to discuss everything. I talked about Adam, the poster who came up with the idea for this challenge, but there are so many other intelligent individuals there. It would take too long to list everyone, as it would with any of my other friends, so I'll just give a quick rundown. Holding the forums together is pixote, a mystery to the world, but also one of the most fascinating people I have ever encountered. Sam was one of the first friends I made on the forum, I think, and it makes sense because sam and I have pretty similar sensibilities (probably a scary thought). Also hailing form the same area of the map is roujin, one of the masterminds behind kaboochi.com, but also the most knowledgeable cinema-watcher in the world. roujin is around the same age as myself, but he's so much more well versed, and I suppose well written, in the art of film. One day I will learn what makes him so insightful, until then I can only hope to emulate such greatness. Bondo and 1SO are also two killer guys from those parts, as is stevekimes. It's mutual respect, kindred spirits or something. And then there's also gman, a poster much younger than myself, but one who also I am very respectful of, gives a damn fine name to the Irish. And FroHam and Junior, two interesting guys who I rarely am on the same page with, but who do back up what they post. Then there are the master voices of worm, sean, oad, and duder. flieger is quickly becoming part of this group as well. :au:. So many more people I am forgetting, this post is sort of becoming a Filmspot acceptance speech. I like these people, I love these people, because no matter how vocal I have been, how out there some of my opinions are, they don't question my sincerity, they understand and listen, and that's the community I love.

Some crossovers as well. My first non-forum encounter with a filmspotter was with fellow writer faceboy, Michael, who happens to live in the same vicinity as myself. It's a damn small world. A year or so ago we met up and went to see The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus at the Ritz, then we went to Tunes afterward where I bought 5 VHS tapes (haven't watched them yet though). It was a Hell of an experience, and even though I haven't talked to him in a long time, he's busy being a super facedad now, he's a stand up guy who I would hang out with again at the drop of a hat. Also in this exclusive category is iKeith!, who I met up with when he had an extra ticket to an advanced screening of Scott Pilgrim vs. the World over the summer. Once again, a damn knowledgeable guy with a fantastic personality. The film was a great time, and even though I had to run shortly after to get back home I can't wait for an eventual Philadelphia Filmspotting Meet Up because iKeith! is a damn cool guy.

And with that I think I'm done. This post was probably a lot more surface detail than deep reflection, though I think the reflection is buried in there. Like I said, I am leaving so much out. People, details, probably other things as well. But all the people listed I cherish, and I trust them, and for my friends I'd go to the end of the world. These are the people who have made me, in one way or another. And you know what, I don't think I could ask for much better. I didn't really put it all in perspective like this, but damn I have known some fantastic people, and in some manner I love each and every one of you, and am so grateful, even for those I left out (sorry!).

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Entry - Family

Rich

Day 4 - Siblings

Out of all the entries that I am to undertake whilst engaging in this 30 Day Challenge I could, as I looked over the topic list, figure which ones would be the most difficult blogs to write. This entry is not at the top of that list, but it is certainly up there because it requires me to admit, much more than I have had to up until this point, past regrets and mistakes that I have made, mistakes that continue to be made. As I said in my introductory post, and mentioned briefly in yesterday's post, I have one younger brother. That's it, no huge house of kids, just one younger brother, about two years younger to be exact. In the twenty one years I have been alive I have, in all likelihood, spent the majority of them shirking my responsibilities as an older brother.

Since I was young the relationship that I had with my brother was strained, thanks in large part to my inability to make much of an effort at types of activities that promote brotherly bonding. In a sense I took what I had for granted. When we were younger my brother and I shared a bedroom, which was actually pretty cool. This was before our first house burnt down, I think, though the area of our room was pretty much the same location as my current room in the house. Either way, I remember how that time sort of brought us closer together. At nights when it was time for bed we took turns picking which movies we were going to watch, or which tv shows we would fall asleep to that night. Though even then I don't know if we were close, we just sort of existed in the same space. But even when we got out own rooms I remember Christmas Eves when we would camp out in the same room, making sure we would both be up at the same time the next day. It was an activity we did together, but sometimes you get older and those things just kind of stop.

I could say that we just live in two separate worlds, existing as opposites in mostly all ways, but I don't really know how much that statement could be construed as true. We do have similar interests, though the subsections, from what I gather, are where things start to fall apart. But even there I wouldn't say a relationship is hindered. So then it has to be something a bit more. What I suspect is that we simply perceive the world in radically different manners. I am an introvert, he is an extrovert. Perhaps that is what makes it hard to empathize, difficult to relate. Though the bigger guess I will venture to take is that it simply comes down to the trouble I have communicating, especially when paired with someone who seems to excel at that so naturally. Or maybe I should have asked him to come along on more bike rides, or trips to the mall, or football games. Maybe I ridiculed too much, what was meant to be goodhearted ribbing turned in to something more, and evolved from there in to a monstrosity.

And for that I accept the blame.

In some ways this seems, at the current time, to be the only outlet I have to contemplate this matter. At the start of this post I said I anticipated this entry being difficult because I would have to do some admitting, and I feel as if I am on the cusp of doing just that. What needs to be admitted, aside from an apology which I hope to issue, is that I need to try harder in the future. I need to make more of an effort to talk, to understand, to relate in any way I can. I'm lucky to have my brother. He has always, always had my back. I said I never felt like my mom had to put up with me, but I know he has had to put up with years of my shit. It seems to be unconditional love, a love that I have, but one that has been clouded by my jealousy. And that jealousy, that is the hardest thing to admit, but also the largest hurdle I will need to jump to make sure that I don't lose a fantastic brother.

I love you and I'm sorry, Dave, and I'll do what I can in the future to not be as bad, to make things better. I just hope I have the time.

Thanks everyone for reading.

Tomorrow's topic: Friends

Rich

Day 3- Parents

When I think of the idea of parents I have to feel that my perspective is a bit skewed from the general reactions I hear from most other people when discussing this subject. Though I have never thought too in depth about my parents role in my life until right now, and I suppose this stream of consciousness typing does not make for much deep reflection either, I am quite aware that it is likely one of the most important aspects in shaping the current me. As I was saying earlier, when I hear people mention their parents it is usually in a negative light. At times parents are oppressors, a barrier between freedom and independence, another limitation that at times supersedes the boundaries society places on us. In other situations they serve as the equivalent of a canker sore, continuously irritating until you feel like punching it in the face. Still, behind all the anger and frustration I still get the feeling that most of us make concessions for our parents, either out of gratitude, love, or some feeling of obligation. Maybe not, but that's what I tend to observe. Maybe my dependency also skews my perspective.

Anyhow, at one point I had two parents. Actually, most (all?) people did at some point. However, the majority of my adolescence, perhaps all of it depending on who you ask to define the term, was spent in a single parent household. When I was still in elementary school my dad died from cancer, meaning the house was then occupied by my mother, brother, dog, and me. I think, perhaps too much, about my relationship with my father. Not having the advantage of time I cannot help but feel it was not fully fleshed out, an aborted fetus if you will, though the memories I have are all positive. But this does not stop me from wondering how things may have been different in the present. It's easy to like a kid, your kid, but what about now? How would that relationship be? What could I have done better? How would I be different? Changed? Would this blog even exist? All unanswerable, obviously, so I should not dwell on them too much, but these questions also drive the current me in some regard. I still feel these attachments to my father even though, just as he may not have known me, I do not know how well I knew him. I love my dad, of that I am certain, and whatever almost infantile relationship we had I will continue to cherish.

The rest of my entry will, or probably should, be dedicated to my mom. I struggled to provide specifics of my relationship with my dad because of underdeveloped memories, while I seem to have the exact opposite problem. Since I grew up the majority of my life with my mother I have an overabundance of memories and a seemingly endless spring of gratitude. My mom is, without a doubt, the person I am most grateful for in the entire world. Unlike some people I do not think that I was all that much of a handful whilst growing up, so I probably would not need to thank her for putting up with my throughout my haphazard youth, I do feel as if I should thank her for being there for me in the later years of my high school education and throughout college. I know none of that was easy, and I don't think my personal disposition helped anything, but every time I needed someone to be there I knew I could call and have someone willing to listen. My mom works so hard, she sacrifices so much for both my brother and me, and for that all the superfluous adjectives in the world are unable to describe my appreciation, love, and gratitude.

But above that I am most grateful that around my mom I feel as if I can be myself, or as close to myself as I am aware. I don't have the pressure to be filtered, I don't need to keep anything secretive or hidden, and while I am not always 'open' with her (nor am I with many people, which is a fault I try to correct as best I can) I can talk about anything I want to without having to worry about literally anything. I can tell jokes, act any way I want, just not have to worry. I don't know why I worry with other people, I know I shouldn't, but with my mom I can just be. Actually it probably would do me better to be the 'me' that most readers are familiar with when I am around my mom. Maybe that's the balance I should reach for all the time. Regardless, I appreciate everything my mom has done for me, and continues to do for me on a daily basis. As I get older and get farther away from home that dynamic changes, it has changed each year, it continues to change, but I don't see that gratitude ever changing. Thanks for everything, mom.

And thank you for reading.

Tomorrow's topic: Siblings!

Rich

Day 2 - Meaning Behind Your Blog Name

This topic, one would assume, should be incredibly easy to write about. In many ways I anticipate that it will be, at least to an extent because I have been using the pseudonym FLYmeatwad for just about every screen name since first adopting it way back when I first signed up for Xbox Live whenever Halo 2 came out. While I rarely used Live, or played Halo, the name has stuck. Still, I would probably be lying if I was to say this topic is all that definitive or incredibly easy to explain. So like those great minds before us let's deconstruct this until we stand on the cusp of meaning and meaninglessness.

meatwad is simple enough, or so it would appear. For those not in the know, meatwad is one of the characters on the (perhaps) popular [adultswim] series Aqua Teen Hunger Force. All of the Aqua Teens live in New Jersey, which just so happens to be where I live. In the time since creating the name I am not sure if meatwad is still my favorite character from the show, the answer is probably no, but he still competes, I guess, so it may or may not be relevant.

The former half of my handle, FLY, is a mystery. Writing about it is probably not going to help explain why, and as a disclaimer I am not going to take the time in this entry to reveal what exactly it is an acronym for, so Filmspotting readers will have to continue to wonder in mystery along with the rest of the world. When first setting up the name I do not think that I had the idea of FLY being an acronym in mind, but it was there for a reason, so I guess it has to stand for something, festering or slumbering somewhere in my mind. My assumption is that one day it will reveal itself to me, or perhaps it already has, and I can then distribute that information. I can, and have, made up a few stand ins for what it may mean, but none of these seem 'right.' I feel sometimes that I run the risk of never being able to fulfill the expectations of what it may mean when I finally figure out whatever the Hell FLY stands for, but the journey is always the enjoyable part, right? I don't think that is sufficient. There would be no trip without a destination, theoretically, and one day I'll get to the location. At least I hope I do. Until then, watching from afar, I will continue to wonder what FLY could be an acronym for; however, I know it's an acronym. What is the future but the past of the present?

So yeah, whether it be Xbox Live, PSN, blogs, forums, websites, emails, AIM (FLYmeatwad2 for that one actually), Twitter, or any other service I will continue to use the handle, waiting.

And yes: it always needs to be capitalized! It's not Flymeatwad, not flyMEATWAD, FLYMeatwad. There's one acronym in there!

Thanks again for reading. Tomorrow's entry: Parents

Rich

Day 1 - Introduction, Photo, and 15 Fascinating Facts

Introductions, some say, are the most important impression that you can make on a person. After about twenty seconds, perhaps less, minds are already made up, a person knows how they feel about you, whether you are going to be friends, if they'll remember who you are, even if you are going to see him or her naked. Statistics are dumb, and so are introductions. I am probably judgmental, but I like to think that I do not make such judgments as such a rapid pace.

As for my introduction I suppose that I can say my name is Rich Thorne, and I could say that I have lived in the state of New Jersey for the entirety of my life. In fact, I've lived on the same plot of land the entirety of my life. I'm not sure if I should be proud of that fact or not. I go to college in New Jersey as well, at The College of New Jersey. And I'm a senior, though I might be around this area for another year or so finishing up some Masters in English work. I'm 21 years of age. Here is a photograph (not really, photographs don't really exist anymore) of me taken a few minutes earlier:


Part of this entry is meant to be dedicated to fifteen interesting, or perhaps fascinating, facts about me. I am glad this is attached to this introductory post because I think whoever is reading this, whether you be a close friend, a family member, a stranger, an acquaintance, or in some middle ground I can mostly assure that you will find at least one - most likely more - detail that you did not know. If that is of value to you I cannot very well say, but if you have made it this far in what is very likely to be one of the longer posts of this process I would guess we have a mutual interest in the subject. Voyeurism, vanity, morbid curiosity, interest, they all exist on the same plane. The same Aeroplane...over the Sea. Neutral Milk Hotel reference! Love it!

1. I am an addict

Not in any traditional sense, or no more than any other person probably. I think I am addicted to culture, which is good because the concept is so abstract and undefinable it makes partaking in this addiction as easy as breathing. Films, games, literature, music, art. Lily Allen says in "The Fear" that "I am a weapon of massive consumption, and it's not my fault that's how I'm programmed to function." While the context is not nearly the same I find myself drawn back tot his line almost every day. Such beauty, such simplicity, so American.

2. I have a vice

An animation vice to be exact. I cannot think of a more enjoyable art form. Well, I suppose video games, but those are all animated in some variety as well. On the surface I don't think that this fact is all that startling, or interesting, but despite my love for animation in general I think my affinity for anime is mostly concealed. For some reason this seems to operate in a realm outside that of American animation, it's mocked and ridiculed, something I need to keep hidden, to be ashamed of, but when it comes down to it Satoshi Kon was one of the many great modern artists. Death Note is, at least early on, story telling at its finest. Hell, even Miyazaki has his place.

3. I've hit the bottom

Thrice in the past two months or so, in fact. Initially I spiraled in to a pit of near depression, or probably full on if I am honest, and in many ways I do not think I have escaped that sinkhole. I've thought about this before and I probably am depressed, to some extent, but that's part of what makes me me, I think, and there's comfort to be found there. The second time was likely a result of the first, of disillusion. It ended with me being hospitalized. I don't think I'd care to be in a hospital for a long while, maybe. The third time was just a culmination of everything, it still lingers. But slowly everything has picked up, a bit at a time, I'll end up back where I was, I'm sure, but hopefully not so often.

4. My previous career stint

At one point a few years ago I had the notion that anyone could make music. I still retain this belief to an extent, though I have mostly resigned myself to the fact that I am destined to exist in the middle ground. I also really, really, really liked the idea of how MF DOOM plays with the idea of persona in hip-hop, his awareness of the fronts that rappers put on and skewing the perspective of the listener. So why not rap? In hindsight I probably did not make the best partner choice I could have, though there was plenty of talent on both sides, it's just a matter of visions not really meshing. I think we only recorded four songs (here), and the high school me was not quite the writer I currently am, but I can't help but look back lovingly on this endeavor. Was it misguided? Probably. Was it successful? Not in the least. I took the easy way out when writing parts of those songs, but maybe it wasn't all so misguided. I think I'd like to try rapping again.

5. I'm seeing double

Feeling is likely the better word. Or told to feel maybe. I have been told that I am double jointed in my arms because I can turn them around on tables and fold downward. I still think I just have a system and everyone can do it though. I tend to do this when I sit places with desks for long periods of time. For some reason putting my body in awkward positions is calming.

6. Finding my inner child

I think there existed a time where I was more (less?) jaded than I currently am, taking on a dismiss first attitude to most low culture. This was stupid. I could probably watch Disney Channel all day, every day. Nickelodeon too, I guess, though less so. Disney doesn't have commercials, it just has plugs for more Disney Channel shows. It's TV at its finest. I wrote on my older Processed Grass about the declining state of quality on the channel and that upsets me, but as long as I can get re-runs of Wizards, Suite Life, and Sonny I'll keep watching.

7. Collections

I think I have tried to collect many things over the years. Currently I am collecting vinyl records, maybe other things too, but vinyls are the big ticket items it would seem. In the past I have collected cards, shot glasses, DVDs, and other things. The oddest thing I probably collected were plastic bags. Then Ramin Bahrani made a film about plastic bags, and that was beautiful.

8. Recitation

Poetry has been a pretty large part of my life. It's the reason, I think, that I am an English major. When I was younger I had an Encyclopedia Brittanica CD-ROM for the computer. On that CD were a ton of articles which a young me devoured as if a hound starved. My favorite article was, easily, a reading of Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven." Towards the end of 1st grade I could basically recite the entirety of the opening parts of the poem. Once I started second grade the next year I could recite the entire poem. I can no longer do that, but Poe remains one of my favorite poets, and I continue to love "The Raven," but as I learn more I occasionally run in to times when we talk about Poe in classes. Not his poems, which is good, but I am afraid that one day we will and I'll find out there is nothing there, and it's a feeling I don't want to lose. It's a pretty heavy connection to my childhood, one of the few I still value. But current me also knows we need to lose these things to keep growing, and one day I fear it's going to be lost, and my childhood with it.

9. Water

No more peace can be found than that of the water. Baths, showers, oceans, lakes (not so much these because I stupidly went swimming with a snapper turtle in my youth), ponds, pools. I love water, it's soothing and calming. There are a couple of times where I think that I nearly drowned, once when I was around this age and once when I was much younger. Those memories are vivid, and that scares me, but I still love the water. I also do not know how to dive despite having a pool at my house my entire life. Additionally, I imagine it would be one of the most fantastic things in the world to meet someone named River.

10. General house keeping

I am the oldest of two children, which means I have one younger sibling, a brother. I also have two parents, though my dad passed away when I was still in elementary school. I'll get in to all of this in the future posts about siblings, family, and parents.

11. Eclectic and Hipsterdom

This word is not very descriptive, but I also think it is one of the best ways to describe myself. Calling back to my cultural obsession I am willing to mostly consume just about anything, as such I have developed a variety of different tastes and tolerances. I've mentioned ties to hip hop, Disney pop, and Brit pop, but that barely scratches the surface. Alternative, indie, underground hip hop, surf rock, progressive, metal, synth pop, dubstep (I don't much know about this because I'm still not sure what James Blake is), and Pitchfork is telling me I need to find out whatever bedroom pop is. Additionally, I think if I had more hair, a better fashion sense, and much less self seriousness I would be a hipster. Additionally, that's a stupid label. But yeah, as of now I like to think I'm just post-ironic, or perhaps post-post-ironic.

12. Where am I?

I am not all that great with directions, my sense of direction is, somewhat comedic and partially ironically, lacking. When I was younger I got in Disney World, which was pretty scary. I've also been lost in Trenton and Philadelphia. And driving home from Philadelphia. And probably other places as well. My brain doesn't work that way, I guess.

13. Lone star

I've never been to Texas, but I have a love for just about anything from Houston, specifically the sports teams. Football is probably my favorite sport and the Texans are easily my favorite franchise out of any sport. While I'm not a huge Astros fan (Go Red Sox!), I can support them, along with the Rockets. It's all about the Texans though, I am probably an unofficial Houston Texans Historian. Each Sunday during the season I spend a few hours watching the arrows on the NFL Gameday or Yahoo app go back and forth, imagining how great it would be to watch the Texans play for real.

14. Communication if confusing

Socially I am not the most developed person, though I try to work on this on a daily basis, and this pretty much frightens me. I don't do well reading non-verbal cues, I tend not to voice my opinions all that well, and sometimes I just feel as if I don't understand people. It shows, I think, and I get worried and anxious most of the time. There are defense mechanisms I have developed to deal with this, but these tend to cause more problems.

15. Concealment

This goes along with number 14 pretty well. I tend not to show it too well when I enjoy myself, and I think sometimes I convince myself that most things are not enjoyable, but that rarely turns out to be the case. I have a theory that the world is filled mostly with what should be labeled as pessimists, but are called optimists. These people have an overabundance of pessimism, which causes low expectations that are always exceeded, so they always appear happy. Then there are people who, like me, are filled with optimism and are usually let down, which is misconstrued as pessimism. That's a pretty pessimistic view though, I suppose. The world is a funny place.

So until tomorrow, thanks for reading and if you feel so inclined I would love to hear what you think is the most interesting fact below. Something you learned or did not know. That brings a smile to my face, or something similar anyway.

Rich