Day 30 - A Picture

That is, without a doubt, one big stingray. Also, if you run a google search, with safe search on, this picture happens to be the first one that pops up. I spent a little bit of time thinking about it, but I don't know what that actually says about the zeitgeist. Regardless, I have talked about pictures before and since this is the last day of the challenge I don't really feel as if I need to boil everything down to a photo of the countryside, or of a city melting. Instead I'll craft a shoddy metaphor about how this stingray relates to this experience.

It's hard to not feel as if you are stuck in a pool that is barely larger than your entire body sometimes. It seems the older you get the more freedom you are supposed to find, though we all are just kind of funneled down some path. There's room to maneuver, but when you do you risk shattering everything and flopping around until you're all dried up and, in all likelihood, dead. I don't really know if I learned all that from these past 30 days though, actually I think that I knew a good deal of that before starting these writings. When I think about this exercise though I keep coming back to how much more open I have become with myself. I hope to not lose that as the time passes and I am not forcing myself think about questions that I would otherwise brush off. Though just like brushing my teeth or showering it's a routine that I need to establish, so I need to push myself just a bit every day until I start building the skills that I need to excel. I'm still not always comfortable when I should be, but I have seen improvement, and that's comforting. I'll keep working on that.

So for all of those that have consistently read I thank you. This will not be the last entry on this blog, I have been thinking of how to use it outside of an archive and I have come up with a few ideas. Obviously school is going to limit what I am able to do, plus I need to get back to film and game blogging so that I can start building up a portfolio, but there are plans for The FLY Files. They never die. Even if the pool breaks they never really die. Because, actually, it doesn't matter how trapped you are, or how big you are, people only really care about the tail. That's you, that's the power. That's what's most tangible, most distinctive, that's where you need to be aware.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic:

Rich

Day 29 - Three Wishes

If I were to be given three whole wishes it would be rather easy to simply ask for unlimited money, unlimited security, and unlimited time. Those are all tangible enough to basically cover all the things I would need outside of being unable to age. But all of that would be easy, far too easy for my liking. These exercises are meant to be a bit challenging, so in order to do that I am going to limit myself to wishes that are finite and tangible. Now that we have my conditions, the terms if you will, out of the way that forces me to buckle down and think. To speculate. To wish.

So for my first wish from this genie, it's a genie granting these wishes I assume, I would have to wish for a super room in whichever house I am living that will always be fully stocked with reels of films, the newest games/consoles, and an endless rack of vinyls and mp3s with the dankest speaker system of all time. My guess is that 3-D glasses will also be in this room because why the fuck not? Having a place to escape to would be great, even if I was responsible for all the furnishings. I'd probably put a fish tank in this room as well, fish are fun to watch. Maybe even play a game about a fish, but instead of controlling the fish I would take the role of the fish food. Now that's some NEXT GEN shit!

Second wish? Here I would probably wish for one year where I had to worry about nothing else except traveling around the world. That would give me more than enough time to see the major places I want to visit and I'd probably have enough time in between to stop home for long enough stretches in order to minimize homesickness. In this wish I would need to include that I'd have to be provided with the funds to travel all over the world and the country because I imagine it would get pretty expensive. I'd buy my own knick-knacks, but the actual plane costs, hotel rooms, and food need to be accounted for obviously. Still, this seems like a worthwhile wish that would provide me with some great experiences.

Last wish, I wish I had two more wishes. But since that is not an option I think I would wish for universal peace. Nah, that's too big. I should use one of these wishes to help other people, I reckon. Plus it has to be finite, which means no curing disease or anything. Hmm. This is tough. I guess I can't keep this wish in the holster, huh? I would wish for one day where I could talk to whoever I wanted to, living or dead. Actually, maybe one week. Yeah, that's a good wish. Especially if I could record all of it.

That's a damn solid batch of wishes.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic (Day 30!): A Picture

Day 28 - Stress

Technically this entry is supposed to be about one thing that stresses me out, which is good because I have more stress than a poorly engineered bridge. Anyhow, by this point in time I am sure that my faithful readers will not have much of a problem guessing a few of my stresses, so I think I need to approach this from a slightly different direction. So when I think about stress I need to actually focus on what causes my stress. In this sense I think that the greatest stress of all, perhaps not just for myself but for you, the individual or the collective, has to be society, yes? We are, after all, products of the grand dream (delusion) that is society. We always have been, as long as man is man I assume that we all will continue to be, at least to an extent.

Few forces hold quite as much sway as society, it is completely capable of allowing for, as I think it has for me, completely reshaping aspects of your identity. And then if it molds them in odd shapes, or if you have trouble contorting and conforming to this model you are left adrift. If I worry about a job it is because society tells me that I need to be productive and contribute to the whole regardless of what that whole actually serves. Society stresses me out about the way I relate to people, the way I carry myself. Society demands success, and I enjoy succeeding just as much as the next person. When things go wrong, when I find myself stressing, then the finger could, and in all likelihood should, be pointed at the way society has constructed me to think, to behave. I do my best to fight, to be 'me,' whatever that may mean, but at times it seems almost useless. It's a system I need to live, a system that allows me to type what I am typing, but also an oppressor.

So where does my stress come from? Well, it's all a big social construct.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: 3 Wishes

Rich

Day 27 - Future

I have a little trouble discerning the difference between this entry and yesterday's, though it seems like this is much more grandiose in scope than goals. Though I don't know if this entry will turn out that way simply because the future is, for all intents and purposes, undecided. The past, it is supposed, is a grotesque animal, but where does that leave the future in this binary continuum? Beautiful, perhaps, but what is the future if not the past waiting to be, so then grotesque, yes? No. Maybe. The future, I have talked about before, is also scary to think about too in depth. I will continue to cuddle my ignorance, hoping to squeeze out bliss, until it happens. Or continues to happen.

That's the thing with the future, it happens when you least expect it, or at least that has been my experience. I like to think of it like Anton from No Country for Old Men, or like the biker in Raising Arizona. Basically I like to think about the Coen brothers's filmography. When I'm not thinking about that I am, in some way, thinking about the future. Then I am confused, perhaps frightened. Don't go in the meadow, that's where man is. That's where we all end up eventually.

And we run.

We don't know each other, future, but we have met time and time again.

This entry is difficult to write because I am excited for the future, but it is frightening, almost inexplicably so because I'm a smart person. I'll get by. But it's the present that I love, the past that I idolize, the future that I fear. And they all keep moving, when I type this it is the present, but now it is the past, and at one point it was the future because I knew that I would be typing an entry about the future at some point today. So it makes you wonder how much of a future there actually is, and when I will and won't be around to experience it, if ever.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Stress

Rich

Day 26 - Goals

On the road of life everyone needs a trucker buddy. Additionally, everyone needs some sort of goal to work towards. What I like to do is set small moments of anticipation, but when I set goals they are usually long term, and rather intangible. Throughout the course of this I think I have already partially showed what many of my goals are as well, which means that I am probably just going to be recapping a few of my long term desires from here on out, so if you are a regular reader we can do some fact checking. There will be a test at the end, so it would behoove you to pay attention, and if you do not know what behoove means there is a 99.5% chance that you have already passed a point of no return.

The big goals in my life are all there, at some point in the future I would like to have a job that I love, preferably one that allows me to use my English language expertise in an industry that I have interest in, which means i need to start focusing on one type of media instead of continuing my quest to be a jack of all trades media conglomerate. Passion is fickle, but I have had success capturing passions, which mean it only needs to be refined. Like oil. There goes the magic, it all becomes real. The stars are nothing more than gas when we get up close, but we still continue to fly.

At some point I would like to have a family, my own house, all the manufactured ambitions that make me an American. Though above this I feel more compelled, while I still have the youth, though not always the means, to start traveling a bit more. The United States especially fascinates me. I don't consider myself incredibly patriotic, at least not blindly loyal, but I love the country and would like to see more of it, to learn about the different perspectives that exist. I think, occasionally, about the vast number of people in the world, how they are unaware of me, but perhaps somewhere else someone is thinking about the world as well, and in a way we are thinking about one another. Perhaps in different languages. I may never know, but I can at least see.

Though the goal that hovers above them all is arguably the most simple. I just want to learn. Knowledge is always acquired, but there is always more to accrue. More to experience. More to synthesize. Intangible? Perhaps. Unmeasurable? The subjectivity of knowledge says no. But I can strive. People just float, but I can drop my arms and try to drift in the intended direction.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Future

Rich

Day 25 - First 10 Shuffled Songs

Today we go inside the framework of my iPod (note: shuffle is being used on iTunes as it has a larger library) and see what happens when songs come on shuffle. No filter, though I will be refraining from posting any of the same artists if they pop up back to back, no filler. Let the music play. Click the song titles for links to the songs.

1. The Ink Spots - "I Don't Want to Set the World on Fire"

Despite being caught completely off guard by this song popping up first, I could not be any more pleased. While the song itself does not represent what I usually listen to while consuming music, the connection to Fallout 3, one of my favorite games, is both the reason it is on my iTunes and one of the reasons where my love is found. As a song this does make for some nice and easy listening. The world needs more crooners, and I need to listen to more music from The Ink Spots. Additionally, the Fallout 3 soundtrack has to be one of the best video game soundtracks ever assembled.

2. Miley Cyrus - "What's Not To Like"

That's more representative, certainly according to my last.fm account. This one comes from the soundtrack for Hannah Montana: The Movie, though as far as I know this song is performed under the Miley Cyrus name rather than the Hannah Montana pseudonym, which bodes well because the Hannah Montana name usually does not produce Miley's best music. To answer the song's title, there is a bit not to like about this one, especially when stacked up against the movie's iconic "The Climb" though I don't have the mind to complain about what is, at the very least, a damn fun song even if it does not highlight Miley's best musical talents. As a side note, this makes me two for two in songs from soundtracks rather than albums. I don't own that many soundtracks.

3. Atmosphere - "A Girl Named Hope"

Slug is a storyteller, which is odd because so many of his songs are so incredibly personal. This one certainly does not seem any less so, but taking these experiences and making them compelling narratives are what great writers create, and its certainly what Slug and many of his contemporaries are able to accomplish. This one is a nice, more melancholic, but allows Slug to showcase his signature flow. And those lyrics, they are packed with some wonderful images at the very end.

4. Bob Dylan - "Joey"

When you ask me who are the five greatest musicians of all time I will answer, quite easily: Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, and Dylan. While this epic is not the lengthy song I would pick as my favorite Dylan tune, actually it wouldn't even make a shortlist, it displays some of the elements that make Desire a wonderful record, and of course the voice is infinitely iconic. Though I would not pick this as my favorite song, it does demonstrate Dylan's ability to carry a single thread throughout a song, perhaps acting as a modern day Milton or Homer. It's not as dreamy as I tend to go for in the Dylan I listen to, and it doesn't have the narrative pull of "Hurricane" or "The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carrol" though the final few verses become damn fine listening, making for a somber conclusion that serves as a testament to Dylan's poetic proficiency.

5. Slim Thug ft. Lil Ray - "Strippers"

More hip-hop, this time braggadocio. No place does braggadocio than Houston, and though I don't listen to all that much Slim Thug, and even less Lil Ray, this song is not as generic as it should be, which is good. It has a chopped and screwed chorus, shout outs to forgotten acts, and a lot of patriarchal comments demeaning the fairer sex. That scene has been faltering for a while, in no small part because Chamillionaire and Magno have gone silent, but I have a large pair of nostalgia glasses that keep me checking back to see what will eventually, with any hope, recapture that charm.

6. The Beatles - "Not A Second Time"

So many songs and The Beatles are what the shuffle says, huh? A testament to how much library cleaning I do, this song showcases the Beach Boys-lite vibe that most Beatles songs come with such as harmonies, fluffy and hollow lyrics, and simplistic instrumentals. Yuck. I need to stop before I blow my obligatory white college male cred.

7. the Mountain Goats - "Masher"

Now that, that's more what I am looking for. John Darnielle is American's greatest living poet, plain and simple, and that even means that he is above Dylan. Songs that should serve as vignettes, brief glimpses, are fully formed beasts that are stunningly beautiful. This one, well we all lose control at times. Not my favorite song from this record, but a testament to the songwriting chops that Darnielle brings. Rhymes that are simplistic, but enough meathpor and repetition to make rhyme a secondary focus of the song. As it concludes you hear the guitar being strummed harder, the frustration building, the beauty popping. And all the world is swallowed.

8. the Mountain Goats - "Southwood Plantation Road" to be replaced with...
Atmosphere - "Commodities" to be replaced with...
Demi Lovato - "U Got Nothin' On Me"

For all intents and purposes the English major in me should detest this song because of the choice to replace "you" with "U," because you're better than that, Demi. This second record, I once wrote, is a damn fine piece of pop from what is easily the most talented singer Disney has ever produced. Not the highlight of the CD, it does still allow for enough alterations between highs and lows for Demi to excel. The shifts from verse to chorus are wonderful, the backup shouts work to enhance the albeit simplistic, theme of the song and enhance the emotion that Demi brings to all of her songs. And when it slows down, and the instruments become minimal, Demi shines.

9. The Beatles - "I've Just Seen A Face" (seriously!?!) to be replaced with...
Weezer - "Take Control"

There was a point where Weezer sort of faltered. Or at least that is what critics tell me, and while a few of their albums are not all completely solid from top to bottom there are still gems in each one waiting to be discovered until you catch up with their two most recent stunning records. This song is pretty middling, it does not let Rivers exist at his best from a lyrical perspective and is too instrumentally heavy for my tastes, but it's listenable, I suppose. Of all the Weezer I don't know why this one would have been drawn.

10. James Blake - "Lindisfarne II"

Is there a better way to end this post than with James Blake? This song is best when paired with the first part, though of the two parts this is the one I prefer. What I love about Blake is that, while his lyrics are minimal and he uses his voice a bit more like an instrument than anything else, I can understand the sound progression that he makes in a song and from track to track. I don't get instruments and musical theory, Blake makes it tangible. The bumps come in slow. They take over. Blake returns. I simply bathe in the sounds, the senses, the stimulation. So beautiful.

And that, very briefly, is a look inside the inner workings of my iTunes library. There is a commonly held conception that music represents a person, that they are defined by the music. Well if that is true then I hope you learned something about me. Let me know in the comments.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Goals

Rich

Day 24 - Something You Learned

This entry will be a bit too tough because I think that I have learned a lot, not a day goes by when I don't, in some capacity, learn something. I think that the best way to handle this is to simply limit myself to the most important thing that I learned during this exercise. At least so far, there is still plenty of reflection and learning left to accomplish in the final few days, as the candles extinguish, as it all unravels. Still, even if I limit it to that I think that I have a good deal of narrowing down that I need to do as I attempt to discover the most important.

Actually, maybe it won't be all that difficult.

I think, at least I hope, what I learned is that I need to work hard, perhaps the hardest I have ever worked, in order to be honest with myself. It is easier said than done, but that's because my conception of identity is at odds with the idea of acceptance. I am too aware, hyper aware. Honesty is said to be the best policy, and a sense of self is probably most important when speaking about honesty. I actually just read an article today about feminist criticism in Turn of the Screw where it had a section that spoke about how we look in mirrors, that they constantly distort what we see, but we also recognize this as 'us.' However, the distortion means that we can never see what we really look like, so in order to know us we have to accept that everything we have seen of us is not us. So maybe I will never know who I am, but in the mean time I learned that I need to be honest, and that starts now. The train, she rolls uphill.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Shuffle

Rich

Day 23 - Favorite Vacation

Much like yesterday this entry will be shorter, perhaps even shorter because I have mostly given an overview of the few places I have been to that have left lasting impressions on me. It also does not help that many of the youthful memories I have of vacation are all that pleasant. There was the time at Disney in Florida that I broke down in tears because I was lost in the Honey I Shrunk the Kids playground, or when we went to the Bahamas when I was 8 or 9 and I spent the flight and first two days vomiting until I thought my stomach would come out.

Here's what I am going to do, I will simply tell about the best thing labeled as a vacation that I have had. It would have to be, hands down, the summer vacation after senior year in high school. It seemed like we, my friends, were at someone's house each night. Always hanging out, squeezing those dying days so tight we felt marrow. I don't remember taking many trips that summer, I don't even know if I went to the beach when everyone did, but I do know that I had a damn fine time. Days of youth spark out, nights burned away by my pool. I think I got a fucking tan! Like a tan that stood out from my normal skin tone. It was absolutely crazy. And it all led up, seemingly perfectly, to the release of Superbad. It was like an explosion of Michael Cera awesomeness, a birthday present a few days after the celebration of my springing forth in to this world. It all culminated with, while not the final, a goodbye that seemed to be injected with finality. I don't like the generic descriptors of life being a bunch of chapters, or a string of sections in an orchestra, becoming an opera, becoming the zeitgeist. But a time was ending. And it was sad, I didn't cry but it was damn sad. We stood out back, the stars coming out, of a movie theater that no longer exists. At the end of the film Seth and Evan don't say goodbye, they just drift apart, they look back longingly, but they move on. It's a sublime moment, and I remind myself of the two youths as I lovingly, with reserved terror, concealed excitement, limitless uncertainty, look back on this moment. And I know. I am sure, perhaps more sure of anything else, that I have a memory. That I had a vacation, a damn emotional vacation.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Something You've Learned

Rich

Day 22 - Favorite City

Today's entry will likely be the shortest of the bunch simply because, while I love the idea of cities, I do not feel as if I have seen enough, or spent enough time in any, to know which is my favorite or from where these affections would spring. The answer that becomes the most obvious is Philadelphia simply because I have spent the most time there, because it is easy to navigate and tends to satisfy all my needs for culture. But there are, in all likelihood, better places to satisfy these needs, that are easier to navigate, and probably have sports teams that I care much more for than any team that inhabits the Philadelphia area. Experience, experience, one day we will meet each other, hopefully naked, confined, and we won't look away from each other.

Until that day comes though I will simply leave this entry as open, one that I should revise in the future. Of the major cities I think I have only skimmed the surface of Baltimore and Washington, D.C. I once was in New York, but I did not spend much time in the city. San Francisco seems to be the hot spot for all the careers that I hope to work in, but my knowledge of that is limited to the construction of San Fran as portrayed in Full House. Chicago seems like a fun place, so I will be able to check that one out this summer. It would be killer to see Houston to, but Houston is more of a built up stand in for escapism than a city I have too much interest in visiting. Still, there are fifty states, and that's just in America. I mean who knows how many states they have in Europe!?!

Seriously though, I just have not seen enough to know which city is my favorite, which I would like to spend the time getting to know inside and out. My guess is that each one is worthy of that, as tends to be the case with the world in general. So I will start searching and I'll use future, post 30 Day Challenge posts, to tell stories about the cities that I visit. Maybe then we will know.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Favorite Vacation

Rich

Day 21 - Through My Eyes

I interpret this topic to mean that I should be talking about my philosophy or something. Life sucks, except when it's great. I'm going to break from the traditional format and do what I do kind of alright.

My Eyes

Days pass in blindness. Caressed by the dark
Until I open.
Pounding, my head forgets
As I fade in to childhood.
I am vexed.
I look upward with placid orbs
Slowly becoming a grounded air balloon
Torn and tattered.
I am deflated.
Inspecting forward I see pores,
Flesh, scars, days on the playground,
Perhaps I eventually see a face.
I am defined.
Downward I fall, becoming an ant
And seeing hundreds of the single blade,
Thousands of building blocks.
I am closed.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Favorite City

Rich

Day 20 - First Love

Probably of all the entries that I was going to write during the challenge I think this was the one that I feared the most because I simply did not know how to best to approach the topic. I know what this is asking about, but I don't think that I would be able to give much insight to the topic. I have attempted to be as honest as possible, to not keep much of anything hidden from the public's all seeing eyes, but today I think I have to, at least partially, hold back. Yes that goes against my introductory post, perhaps even goes against the ultimate goal of this blog, but I shall keep this short for the most part and simply say that I have not been in what is considered a relationship before. Years ago something occurred, but it's too difficult to explain, and I likely don't want to confront that anyway.

So I am not the most experienced person in this subject, but I reckon that at some point I will eventually meet someone that I click with, though, like I said before, I need to put myself more in the open. I've had crushes in the past, but none of those ever actually panned out, and at some point I think I became so frustrated with myself that I simply stopped. That, in itself, I feel, is frustrating as well, and for the most part that is the point that I am at right now. But yeah, I don't think I have had a first love in the way that this entry is asking for, and I could say any number of activities that I have a passion for but I doubt that really qualifies as well. We all have crushes, I think anyway, in high school, in college, in middle school, I can even remember them as far back as kindergarten. But even when they seem to work out I don't think that's love.

I have worries, great worries, about the subject. And those are worries about myself. But I don't want to turn this in to another entry where I spend the majority of it getting down on myself, I know what the problem is here. I don't know how to fix it, I actually think thinking about it only serves to hurt me in the long run, it certainly has not helped before. Maybe I'll figure it out, maybe I'll find more venues for practice, though those doors seem to have all shut in the past. Love is weird. I understand it well enough, or I understand the conception of it because in some way I think I am a romantic, but that's part of the problem as well. I have expectations, they build and build, and then I get confused when things aren't how I imagine. World, one day we will know one another, I hope.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Through My Eyes

Rich

Day 19 - Something You Miss

This sort of ties in with yesterday's post about regrets, though I think that this topic is a bit more tangible. Of all the things that I miss I feel that I would most miss the people that I have lost over the years. That answer, while probably a bit too simple, is also the most honest one that I can come up with at this point in time. I may have written before, I am not entirely sure, that for the most part I see myself as the oldest male in my family, and society tells me that position comes with a ton of pressure and responsibility. Even if I had one of the primary people I have lost over the years back that would remove the constant feelings of inadequacy that contemplating this topic has filled me with each time I have pondered it. But obviously that is not why I would have picked this, because at some point we all have to handle pressure.

No, what I most miss are the memories that I have missed out on, the trips that would have been taken, the major events and how they would have been different. I wonder how I would have been different. How would I have formed, how would I think, would these words even be typed right now? Would I be in college? Would I be in New Jersey? The questions all swirl, they fester, they eat away. And yeah, I just miss having a father figure, someone to whom I can always confide in, someone with the experience to point me in the right direction when I fall off the path. Even someone to joke around with, to talk sports with, to bond. I don't think I'd be able to pick just one person to have back, there are advantages to all of them, so I am not going to force myself to limit it to one person. I know some people look back and say they don't miss anything, I am not one of those people.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: First Love

Rich

Day 18 - Regret

When asked to think about regrets I could list a myriad of times that I yearn to recapture, to relive, to experience again. But despite the abbreviated title I have given to the entry the point is to think of the one regret that I most have. I certainly regret not being able to see my dad before he passed away, I regret fighting with my grandfather, but I don't know if any of these are my absolute biggest regrets. Right now I probably regret, at least partially, the way I have approached college. With so many clubs, so many things to do, I think I didn't take advantage of any of it. I should have been building life lone relationships, and maybe I have, but there are always more. However, below that there is a larger regret that I have.

I have a tendency to say no, to not take chances. This is the way I am, I don't really know why, but I think it's possible to change. I think I am at least trying to do that now, though I need to also make sure that I don't shatter my comfort. It's this balance which I have lost, at times lately quite a bit. But I think my avoidance, saying no, that is what cost me my time. I also think this regret does encompass the majority of my regrets, even if it does seem like a bit of a cop out. Ultimately, everything, all the minor regrets, they seem just that. Minor. I don't know if it's a problem, I have trouble thinking that the way I am is necessarily a 'problem,' but it is something that I need to work on to better adjust in society. Damn society. As a person though it may help me, maybe. Either way, I think I'll always have regrets, but maybe I can do something to make the future a little better. I don't like missing connections I don't much think, so I'll continue to work to minimize regret.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Something You Miss

Rich

Day 17 - Looking Forward

Another entry that challenges me in unexpected ways, though for much different reasons than yesterday's post. I look forward to a great many things, but I rarely look forward to anything major. I find that having smaller anticipations in the near future helps me to keep going, always gives me something to focus on. Right now I am looking forward to The Suite Life movie at the end of the month, and to seeing how The Office works without Steve Carell. I look forward to playing Catherine and Batman: Arkham City this summer. Seeing The Tree of Life and Hugo Cabret. In all likelihood I doubt any of these are what this particular entry hopes to evoke, and I know for certain that I am not content to settle with this stop gaps just because they happen to fit the bill.

But then that makes me ask if I look forward to anything.

I think I do, but for many of the ideas it seems that 'hope for' is better than 'look forward to' because of the uncertainty involved. I hope to have a great job. I look forward to eventually starting a family. The words are mostly interchangeable. The future, I suppose, is too vague. It's also one of my fears partially, but I think we all look forward to our fears in some way or another. Graduation in May is too easy, plus it's not really a complete graduation anyway since I have another year for my Masters. So, what do I look forward to enough to make it my one thing? When I ask myself that I suppose the only answer can be that I look forward to tomorrow. Take that to mean what you will.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Regrets

Rich

Day 16 - Dream House

This category seems pretty superficial to me, and thus I think it goes against the intentions I have for this blog. In hindsight I should have replaced it, still I'll see what I can get out of this one. In a previous entry, I am pretty sure, I talked about a love for capitalism. If not then I should say that I love capitalism. It lines up with the whole individualism thing. Still, I don't know how extravagant I'd want my home to be. Probably pretty extravagant. It sure would be cool to have my own movie theater I guess, theoretically with a projector so I can re-create the theatrical experience in my home. Also, a bowling alley would be dank so that I could pretend I was Daniel Day Lewis at the end of There Will Be Blood. Really though I think I would be content with a pool, preferably one that is in ground. I like the water, and while the beach is fun it's far away and I like being able to just walk outback, or out front if I want to be avant-garde.

Honestly I'm happy with my home right now. It's roomy enough, we have an entertainment type room, though I would like to have the downstairs or the garage be something more, and I have a bedroom. We have a pool, there are enough bathrooms. It's a house. I mean I'm not going to live here forever so I don't see the point in doing much to add to this house, but I would be content to eventually live somewhere similar, customize it to my likings. I also like to have a fish tank, a nice TV to play games on. Probably a few chairs. Geometrically sound. A house.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Something You're Looking Forward To

Rich

Day 15 - Literary Quotation

"Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary." - Mark Twain

As an English major I thought this entry would be an easy one, but that was not the case. When I think of literature I do not automatically think of novels or books, perhaps not even just poems or plays. I think about the figures behind these works, as probably pointless as that is given how I feel about the way literature should exist, and while I am not an unabashed fan of Mark Twain this quote I think resonates both in a literary sense and in a personal sense. For me it speaks about purity, perhaps a purity of experience, perhaps a purity of existence. I have been told on numerous occasions that I need to be more openly emotional, and I suppose I understand that well enough but when I make these attempts I cannot help but feel all the more depressed about whatever facade I am putting on in order to appease whoever needs appeasing. It is simply inauthentic, and I'm only one for this type of false authenticity if it is done knowingly to comment on something.

Actually, I have trouble with the concept of emotions entirely. They exist, or at least I believe them to exist independently of the social construct that other ideas which we tie to emotions are said to exist, but I feel as if the communication process becomes a way of feigning emotion rather than communicating. I wrote in earlier entries that I don't really understand, or don't process as well, the intricacies of the way communication works. On a theoretical level I understand it, perhaps may even be able to manipulate it at times, but on a practical level I don't understand it at all. So when I realize that I am having emotional reaction, positive or negative to use binary talk, I become aware of it and am, at least momentarily, surprised. Momentarily happy even, sometimes regardless of circumstance. It's this feeling of freedom that most people I know exude and I don't, but I hope to at some point.

But I, slightly, digress. There is a quote in I'm Not There that talks about Bale's version of Dylan making "finger pointing songs" and turning them out like ticker tape. He takes ideas that we all have but puts them in words. In a way I think all great literature, novels, songs, film, games, plays, poems, act in this way. They make us aware. And this quote, well it's not one that I will likely ever forget because it does, so wonderfully, capture a thought that I always knew but never spoke. Or never framed. It asks me to see myself and to see others, to look at the divides and further create an identity, a relation to my world. For that I thank Mark Twain, and more importantly I thank literature.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Dream House

Rich

Day 14 - A Picture You Love

The first time I saw this photo I did not know much of the historical context, though it still struck quite a chord with the adolescent me, on the cusp on independence - to an extent - as I made my way from high school to college. This was around the time I started getting heavy in to Bob Dylan, and it jived with most of the ideas that he was turning me on to as well. To be honest I'm still not 100% on the whole political ramifications of this photograph, but as some white American removed from conflict I can still, almost completely, reflect on what goes through me when I see it and think about what it is 'saying.' That phrase kind of pisses me off, by the way. If my reading of the photo is politically off base I guess you can hold that against me, but in the grand scheme of things politics only matter as much as they hinder or promote the process of artistic creation.

To me I see a display of individualism. I think we all, collectively, talk about the freedom of individual expression, but only in as much as it does not jeopardize the freedoms that we all enjoy. In a way I am guilty of this as well, we like to rock the boat, not drill a hole in it and grow gills. But here the contrast works perfectly, man against the machine, both literally and figuratively. The future is not a concern, the liberation and expression is what is captured. What comes before or after is irrelevant. What we have is a means of expression, forever still and expressing. Faceless and nameless, at least if we only examine the photo, and perhaps simply beautiful. The photo does not need to happen in Tienanmen Square, it can be anywhere on Earth at any time as far as I'm concerned because, politically, it does not much matter what motivations led to its existence. What matters is the message, the life it has taken on in me, in this post, in whoever reads the post, and that...well that is beauty.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Literary Quotation

Rich