Day 20 - First Love

Probably of all the entries that I was going to write during the challenge I think this was the one that I feared the most because I simply did not know how to best to approach the topic. I know what this is asking about, but I don't think that I would be able to give much insight to the topic. I have attempted to be as honest as possible, to not keep much of anything hidden from the public's all seeing eyes, but today I think I have to, at least partially, hold back. Yes that goes against my introductory post, perhaps even goes against the ultimate goal of this blog, but I shall keep this short for the most part and simply say that I have not been in what is considered a relationship before. Years ago something occurred, but it's too difficult to explain, and I likely don't want to confront that anyway.

So I am not the most experienced person in this subject, but I reckon that at some point I will eventually meet someone that I click with, though, like I said before, I need to put myself more in the open. I've had crushes in the past, but none of those ever actually panned out, and at some point I think I became so frustrated with myself that I simply stopped. That, in itself, I feel, is frustrating as well, and for the most part that is the point that I am at right now. But yeah, I don't think I have had a first love in the way that this entry is asking for, and I could say any number of activities that I have a passion for but I doubt that really qualifies as well. We all have crushes, I think anyway, in high school, in college, in middle school, I can even remember them as far back as kindergarten. But even when they seem to work out I don't think that's love.

I have worries, great worries, about the subject. And those are worries about myself. But I don't want to turn this in to another entry where I spend the majority of it getting down on myself, I know what the problem is here. I don't know how to fix it, I actually think thinking about it only serves to hurt me in the long run, it certainly has not helped before. Maybe I'll figure it out, maybe I'll find more venues for practice, though those doors seem to have all shut in the past. Love is weird. I understand it well enough, or I understand the conception of it because in some way I think I am a romantic, but that's part of the problem as well. I have expectations, they build and build, and then I get confused when things aren't how I imagine. World, one day we will know one another, I hope.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Through My Eyes

Rich