Day 4 - Siblings

Out of all the entries that I am to undertake whilst engaging in this 30 Day Challenge I could, as I looked over the topic list, figure which ones would be the most difficult blogs to write. This entry is not at the top of that list, but it is certainly up there because it requires me to admit, much more than I have had to up until this point, past regrets and mistakes that I have made, mistakes that continue to be made. As I said in my introductory post, and mentioned briefly in yesterday's post, I have one younger brother. That's it, no huge house of kids, just one younger brother, about two years younger to be exact. In the twenty one years I have been alive I have, in all likelihood, spent the majority of them shirking my responsibilities as an older brother.

Since I was young the relationship that I had with my brother was strained, thanks in large part to my inability to make much of an effort at types of activities that promote brotherly bonding. In a sense I took what I had for granted. When we were younger my brother and I shared a bedroom, which was actually pretty cool. This was before our first house burnt down, I think, though the area of our room was pretty much the same location as my current room in the house. Either way, I remember how that time sort of brought us closer together. At nights when it was time for bed we took turns picking which movies we were going to watch, or which tv shows we would fall asleep to that night. Though even then I don't know if we were close, we just sort of existed in the same space. But even when we got out own rooms I remember Christmas Eves when we would camp out in the same room, making sure we would both be up at the same time the next day. It was an activity we did together, but sometimes you get older and those things just kind of stop.

I could say that we just live in two separate worlds, existing as opposites in mostly all ways, but I don't really know how much that statement could be construed as true. We do have similar interests, though the subsections, from what I gather, are where things start to fall apart. But even there I wouldn't say a relationship is hindered. So then it has to be something a bit more. What I suspect is that we simply perceive the world in radically different manners. I am an introvert, he is an extrovert. Perhaps that is what makes it hard to empathize, difficult to relate. Though the bigger guess I will venture to take is that it simply comes down to the trouble I have communicating, especially when paired with someone who seems to excel at that so naturally. Or maybe I should have asked him to come along on more bike rides, or trips to the mall, or football games. Maybe I ridiculed too much, what was meant to be goodhearted ribbing turned in to something more, and evolved from there in to a monstrosity.

And for that I accept the blame.

In some ways this seems, at the current time, to be the only outlet I have to contemplate this matter. At the start of this post I said I anticipated this entry being difficult because I would have to do some admitting, and I feel as if I am on the cusp of doing just that. What needs to be admitted, aside from an apology which I hope to issue, is that I need to try harder in the future. I need to make more of an effort to talk, to understand, to relate in any way I can. I'm lucky to have my brother. He has always, always had my back. I said I never felt like my mom had to put up with me, but I know he has had to put up with years of my shit. It seems to be unconditional love, a love that I have, but one that has been clouded by my jealousy. And that jealousy, that is the hardest thing to admit, but also the largest hurdle I will need to jump to make sure that I don't lose a fantastic brother.

I love you and I'm sorry, Dave, and I'll do what I can in the future to not be as bad, to make things better. I just hope I have the time.

Thanks everyone for reading.

Tomorrow's topic: Friends

Rich