It would be easy to be superficial with this entry, to simply say that I am most afraid of snakes. Those animals have always, probably will always, terrify me. No animal without legs should be able to move that quickly, cover that much ground, be so damn small yet still deadly. Or big and deadly! They can bite you, strangle you, and probably other things that I don't know about. Whether or not they are poisonous, snakes scare the shit out of me. In addition to that I also have some fears about drowning, which seems like a fairly dreadful way to die, though perhaps not as bad as being buried alive. Though i have not nearly had to confront those as much as I have had to confront snakes, so they have slithered their way to the top of my list. But I think I would prefer to get less physical with this entry, I think for an entry titled "Fears" I ought to discuss a few of my many not so tangible troubles.
Chief among these worries would be the concerns I have about the future. Actually, I will probably just dedicate the rest of this entry to subsets of that fear. I spend a lot of time thinking about time. I put things in perspective and, even though I'm only twenty one, I always come to the realization that what I think is a long time never really is all that long. What does not scare me about the passing of time is the fear of death. I guess that is a concern, the mystery of it all, but I don't spend much time worrying about that because I think the more concerning part about this fear is that I will continue to go through life and feel as if I have simply squandered all my time. That I will always be building toward something, but never accomplish anything. I worry about finding a job, possibly about when I will work in general. And where, too. Once school is finished, completely, if I will have the chance to enunciate what I know. Who will I be surrounded by. Will all the people I know disappear? how real is college? That uncertainty, that is what scares me.
And I'm afraid, I think, of failure. I'm afraid that it is unavoidable. Not that I can't cope with it, not that it will happen, but that it will always happen. That I am the reason why it happens. That in order to stop these fears I need to change, I'm afraid that I can't change. I'm afraid that if I do change then I am admitting to failure, that I am in some ways shunning myself. And these fears, they do more than make me scared, they make me angry, they make me frustrated. At myself, at the world, the way society functions, the way I am trapped, the way that I can change everything if I tried harder, or tried differently. And there's the fear, I suppose, at least partially, of being alone. But I don't know if I feel all that afraid of that, that just adds to the fear of myself. The constantly repeated line is "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself" and I'm not so sure that I agree with that. Perhaps all we have to fear is fear of self. And maybe the world just knows how to cope with it better than I do, but I'm afraid. I'm damn afraid.
Thanks for reading.
Tomorrow's Topic: Favorite TV Shows
Rich
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Day 1 - Introduction, Photo, and 15 Fascinating Facts
Introductions, some say, are the most important impression that you can make on a person. After about twenty seconds, perhaps less, minds are already made up, a person knows how they feel about you, whether you are going to be friends, if they'll remember who you are, even if you are going to see him or her naked. Statistics are dumb, and so are introductions. I am probably judgmental, but I like to think that I do not make such judgments as such a rapid pace.
As for my introduction I suppose that I can say my name is Rich Thorne, and I could say that I have lived in the state of New Jersey for the entirety of my life. In fact, I've lived on the same plot of land the entirety of my life. I'm not sure if I should be proud of that fact or not. I go to college in New Jersey as well, at The College of New Jersey. And I'm a senior, though I might be around this area for another year or so finishing up some Masters in English work. I'm 21 years of age. Here is a photograph (not really, photographs don't really exist anymore) of me taken a few minutes earlier:
Part of this entry is meant to be dedicated to fifteen interesting, or perhaps fascinating, facts about me. I am glad this is attached to this introductory post because I think whoever is reading this, whether you be a close friend, a family member, a stranger, an acquaintance, or in some middle ground I can mostly assure that you will find at least one - most likely more - detail that you did not know. If that is of value to you I cannot very well say, but if you have made it this far in what is very likely to be one of the longer posts of this process I would guess we have a mutual interest in the subject. Voyeurism, vanity, morbid curiosity, interest, they all exist on the same plane. The same Aeroplane...over the Sea. Neutral Milk Hotel reference! Love it!
1. I am an addict
Not in any traditional sense, or no more than any other person probably. I think I am addicted to culture, which is good because the concept is so abstract and undefinable it makes partaking in this addiction as easy as breathing. Films, games, literature, music, art. Lily Allen says in "The Fear" that "I am a weapon of massive consumption, and it's not my fault that's how I'm programmed to function." While the context is not nearly the same I find myself drawn back tot his line almost every day. Such beauty, such simplicity, so American.
2. I have a vice
An animation vice to be exact. I cannot think of a more enjoyable art form. Well, I suppose video games, but those are all animated in some variety as well. On the surface I don't think that this fact is all that startling, or interesting, but despite my love for animation in general I think my affinity for anime is mostly concealed. For some reason this seems to operate in a realm outside that of American animation, it's mocked and ridiculed, something I need to keep hidden, to be ashamed of, but when it comes down to it Satoshi Kon was one of the many great modern artists. Death Note is, at least early on, story telling at its finest. Hell, even Miyazaki has his place.
3. I've hit the bottom
Thrice in the past two months or so, in fact. Initially I spiraled in to a pit of near depression, or probably full on if I am honest, and in many ways I do not think I have escaped that sinkhole. I've thought about this before and I probably am depressed, to some extent, but that's part of what makes me me, I think, and there's comfort to be found there. The second time was likely a result of the first, of disillusion. It ended with me being hospitalized. I don't think I'd care to be in a hospital for a long while, maybe. The third time was just a culmination of everything, it still lingers. But slowly everything has picked up, a bit at a time, I'll end up back where I was, I'm sure, but hopefully not so often.
4. My previous career stint
At one point a few years ago I had the notion that anyone could make music. I still retain this belief to an extent, though I have mostly resigned myself to the fact that I am destined to exist in the middle ground. I also really, really, really liked the idea of how MF DOOM plays with the idea of persona in hip-hop, his awareness of the fronts that rappers put on and skewing the perspective of the listener. So why not rap? In hindsight I probably did not make the best partner choice I could have, though there was plenty of talent on both sides, it's just a matter of visions not really meshing. I think we only recorded four songs (here), and the high school me was not quite the writer I currently am, but I can't help but look back lovingly on this endeavor. Was it misguided? Probably. Was it successful? Not in the least. I took the easy way out when writing parts of those songs, but maybe it wasn't all so misguided. I think I'd like to try rapping again.
5. I'm seeing double
Feeling is likely the better word. Or told to feel maybe. I have been told that I am double jointed in my arms because I can turn them around on tables and fold downward. I still think I just have a system and everyone can do it though. I tend to do this when I sit places with desks for long periods of time. For some reason putting my body in awkward positions is calming.
6. Finding my inner child
I think there existed a time where I was more (less?) jaded than I currently am, taking on a dismiss first attitude to most low culture. This was stupid. I could probably watch Disney Channel all day, every day. Nickelodeon too, I guess, though less so. Disney doesn't have commercials, it just has plugs for more Disney Channel shows. It's TV at its finest. I wrote on my older Processed Grass about the declining state of quality on the channel and that upsets me, but as long as I can get re-runs of Wizards, Suite Life, and Sonny I'll keep watching.
7. Collections
I think I have tried to collect many things over the years. Currently I am collecting vinyl records, maybe other things too, but vinyls are the big ticket items it would seem. In the past I have collected cards, shot glasses, DVDs, and other things. The oddest thing I probably collected were plastic bags. Then Ramin Bahrani made a film about plastic bags, and that was beautiful.
8. Recitation
Poetry has been a pretty large part of my life. It's the reason, I think, that I am an English major. When I was younger I had an Encyclopedia Brittanica CD-ROM for the computer. On that CD were a ton of articles which a young me devoured as if a hound starved. My favorite article was, easily, a reading of Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven." Towards the end of 1st grade I could basically recite the entirety of the opening parts of the poem. Once I started second grade the next year I could recite the entire poem. I can no longer do that, but Poe remains one of my favorite poets, and I continue to love "The Raven," but as I learn more I occasionally run in to times when we talk about Poe in classes. Not his poems, which is good, but I am afraid that one day we will and I'll find out there is nothing there, and it's a feeling I don't want to lose. It's a pretty heavy connection to my childhood, one of the few I still value. But current me also knows we need to lose these things to keep growing, and one day I fear it's going to be lost, and my childhood with it.
9. Water
No more peace can be found than that of the water. Baths, showers, oceans, lakes (not so much these because I stupidly went swimming with a snapper turtle in my youth), ponds, pools. I love water, it's soothing and calming. There are a couple of times where I think that I nearly drowned, once when I was around this age and once when I was much younger. Those memories are vivid, and that scares me, but I still love the water. I also do not know how to dive despite having a pool at my house my entire life. Additionally, I imagine it would be one of the most fantastic things in the world to meet someone named River.
10. General house keeping
I am the oldest of two children, which means I have one younger sibling, a brother. I also have two parents, though my dad passed away when I was still in elementary school. I'll get in to all of this in the future posts about siblings, family, and parents.
11. Eclectic and Hipsterdom
This word is not very descriptive, but I also think it is one of the best ways to describe myself. Calling back to my cultural obsession I am willing to mostly consume just about anything, as such I have developed a variety of different tastes and tolerances. I've mentioned ties to hip hop, Disney pop, and Brit pop, but that barely scratches the surface. Alternative, indie, underground hip hop, surf rock, progressive, metal, synth pop, dubstep (I don't much know about this because I'm still not sure what James Blake is), and Pitchfork is telling me I need to find out whatever bedroom pop is. Additionally, I think if I had more hair, a better fashion sense, and much less self seriousness I would be a hipster. Additionally, that's a stupid label. But yeah, as of now I like to think I'm just post-ironic, or perhaps post-post-ironic.
12. Where am I?
I am not all that great with directions, my sense of direction is, somewhat comedic and partially ironically, lacking. When I was younger I got in Disney World, which was pretty scary. I've also been lost in Trenton and Philadelphia. And driving home from Philadelphia. And probably other places as well. My brain doesn't work that way, I guess.
13. Lone star
I've never been to Texas, but I have a love for just about anything from Houston, specifically the sports teams. Football is probably my favorite sport and the Texans are easily my favorite franchise out of any sport. While I'm not a huge Astros fan (Go Red Sox!), I can support them, along with the Rockets. It's all about the Texans though, I am probably an unofficial Houston Texans Historian. Each Sunday during the season I spend a few hours watching the arrows on the NFL Gameday or Yahoo app go back and forth, imagining how great it would be to watch the Texans play for real.
14. Communication if confusing
Socially I am not the most developed person, though I try to work on this on a daily basis, and this pretty much frightens me. I don't do well reading non-verbal cues, I tend not to voice my opinions all that well, and sometimes I just feel as if I don't understand people. It shows, I think, and I get worried and anxious most of the time. There are defense mechanisms I have developed to deal with this, but these tend to cause more problems.
15. Concealment
This goes along with number 14 pretty well. I tend not to show it too well when I enjoy myself, and I think sometimes I convince myself that most things are not enjoyable, but that rarely turns out to be the case. I have a theory that the world is filled mostly with what should be labeled as pessimists, but are called optimists. These people have an overabundance of pessimism, which causes low expectations that are always exceeded, so they always appear happy. Then there are people who, like me, are filled with optimism and are usually let down, which is misconstrued as pessimism. That's a pretty pessimistic view though, I suppose. The world is a funny place.
So until tomorrow, thanks for reading and if you feel so inclined I would love to hear what you think is the most interesting fact below. Something you learned or did not know. That brings a smile to my face, or something similar anyway.
Rich
As for my introduction I suppose that I can say my name is Rich Thorne, and I could say that I have lived in the state of New Jersey for the entirety of my life. In fact, I've lived on the same plot of land the entirety of my life. I'm not sure if I should be proud of that fact or not. I go to college in New Jersey as well, at The College of New Jersey. And I'm a senior, though I might be around this area for another year or so finishing up some Masters in English work. I'm 21 years of age. Here is a photograph (not really, photographs don't really exist anymore) of me taken a few minutes earlier:
Part of this entry is meant to be dedicated to fifteen interesting, or perhaps fascinating, facts about me. I am glad this is attached to this introductory post because I think whoever is reading this, whether you be a close friend, a family member, a stranger, an acquaintance, or in some middle ground I can mostly assure that you will find at least one - most likely more - detail that you did not know. If that is of value to you I cannot very well say, but if you have made it this far in what is very likely to be one of the longer posts of this process I would guess we have a mutual interest in the subject. Voyeurism, vanity, morbid curiosity, interest, they all exist on the same plane. The same Aeroplane...over the Sea. Neutral Milk Hotel reference! Love it!
1. I am an addict
Not in any traditional sense, or no more than any other person probably. I think I am addicted to culture, which is good because the concept is so abstract and undefinable it makes partaking in this addiction as easy as breathing. Films, games, literature, music, art. Lily Allen says in "The Fear" that "I am a weapon of massive consumption, and it's not my fault that's how I'm programmed to function." While the context is not nearly the same I find myself drawn back tot his line almost every day. Such beauty, such simplicity, so American.
2. I have a vice
An animation vice to be exact. I cannot think of a more enjoyable art form. Well, I suppose video games, but those are all animated in some variety as well. On the surface I don't think that this fact is all that startling, or interesting, but despite my love for animation in general I think my affinity for anime is mostly concealed. For some reason this seems to operate in a realm outside that of American animation, it's mocked and ridiculed, something I need to keep hidden, to be ashamed of, but when it comes down to it Satoshi Kon was one of the many great modern artists. Death Note is, at least early on, story telling at its finest. Hell, even Miyazaki has his place.
3. I've hit the bottom
Thrice in the past two months or so, in fact. Initially I spiraled in to a pit of near depression, or probably full on if I am honest, and in many ways I do not think I have escaped that sinkhole. I've thought about this before and I probably am depressed, to some extent, but that's part of what makes me me, I think, and there's comfort to be found there. The second time was likely a result of the first, of disillusion. It ended with me being hospitalized. I don't think I'd care to be in a hospital for a long while, maybe. The third time was just a culmination of everything, it still lingers. But slowly everything has picked up, a bit at a time, I'll end up back where I was, I'm sure, but hopefully not so often.
4. My previous career stint
At one point a few years ago I had the notion that anyone could make music. I still retain this belief to an extent, though I have mostly resigned myself to the fact that I am destined to exist in the middle ground. I also really, really, really liked the idea of how MF DOOM plays with the idea of persona in hip-hop, his awareness of the fronts that rappers put on and skewing the perspective of the listener. So why not rap? In hindsight I probably did not make the best partner choice I could have, though there was plenty of talent on both sides, it's just a matter of visions not really meshing. I think we only recorded four songs (here), and the high school me was not quite the writer I currently am, but I can't help but look back lovingly on this endeavor. Was it misguided? Probably. Was it successful? Not in the least. I took the easy way out when writing parts of those songs, but maybe it wasn't all so misguided. I think I'd like to try rapping again.
5. I'm seeing double
Feeling is likely the better word. Or told to feel maybe. I have been told that I am double jointed in my arms because I can turn them around on tables and fold downward. I still think I just have a system and everyone can do it though. I tend to do this when I sit places with desks for long periods of time. For some reason putting my body in awkward positions is calming.
6. Finding my inner child
I think there existed a time where I was more (less?) jaded than I currently am, taking on a dismiss first attitude to most low culture. This was stupid. I could probably watch Disney Channel all day, every day. Nickelodeon too, I guess, though less so. Disney doesn't have commercials, it just has plugs for more Disney Channel shows. It's TV at its finest. I wrote on my older Processed Grass about the declining state of quality on the channel and that upsets me, but as long as I can get re-runs of Wizards, Suite Life, and Sonny I'll keep watching.
7. Collections
I think I have tried to collect many things over the years. Currently I am collecting vinyl records, maybe other things too, but vinyls are the big ticket items it would seem. In the past I have collected cards, shot glasses, DVDs, and other things. The oddest thing I probably collected were plastic bags. Then Ramin Bahrani made a film about plastic bags, and that was beautiful.
8. Recitation
Poetry has been a pretty large part of my life. It's the reason, I think, that I am an English major. When I was younger I had an Encyclopedia Brittanica CD-ROM for the computer. On that CD were a ton of articles which a young me devoured as if a hound starved. My favorite article was, easily, a reading of Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven." Towards the end of 1st grade I could basically recite the entirety of the opening parts of the poem. Once I started second grade the next year I could recite the entire poem. I can no longer do that, but Poe remains one of my favorite poets, and I continue to love "The Raven," but as I learn more I occasionally run in to times when we talk about Poe in classes. Not his poems, which is good, but I am afraid that one day we will and I'll find out there is nothing there, and it's a feeling I don't want to lose. It's a pretty heavy connection to my childhood, one of the few I still value. But current me also knows we need to lose these things to keep growing, and one day I fear it's going to be lost, and my childhood with it.
9. Water
No more peace can be found than that of the water. Baths, showers, oceans, lakes (not so much these because I stupidly went swimming with a snapper turtle in my youth), ponds, pools. I love water, it's soothing and calming. There are a couple of times where I think that I nearly drowned, once when I was around this age and once when I was much younger. Those memories are vivid, and that scares me, but I still love the water. I also do not know how to dive despite having a pool at my house my entire life. Additionally, I imagine it would be one of the most fantastic things in the world to meet someone named River.
10. General house keeping
I am the oldest of two children, which means I have one younger sibling, a brother. I also have two parents, though my dad passed away when I was still in elementary school. I'll get in to all of this in the future posts about siblings, family, and parents.
11. Eclectic and Hipsterdom
This word is not very descriptive, but I also think it is one of the best ways to describe myself. Calling back to my cultural obsession I am willing to mostly consume just about anything, as such I have developed a variety of different tastes and tolerances. I've mentioned ties to hip hop, Disney pop, and Brit pop, but that barely scratches the surface. Alternative, indie, underground hip hop, surf rock, progressive, metal, synth pop, dubstep (I don't much know about this because I'm still not sure what James Blake is), and Pitchfork is telling me I need to find out whatever bedroom pop is. Additionally, I think if I had more hair, a better fashion sense, and much less self seriousness I would be a hipster. Additionally, that's a stupid label. But yeah, as of now I like to think I'm just post-ironic, or perhaps post-post-ironic.
12. Where am I?
I am not all that great with directions, my sense of direction is, somewhat comedic and partially ironically, lacking. When I was younger I got in Disney World, which was pretty scary. I've also been lost in Trenton and Philadelphia. And driving home from Philadelphia. And probably other places as well. My brain doesn't work that way, I guess.
13. Lone star
I've never been to Texas, but I have a love for just about anything from Houston, specifically the sports teams. Football is probably my favorite sport and the Texans are easily my favorite franchise out of any sport. While I'm not a huge Astros fan (Go Red Sox!), I can support them, along with the Rockets. It's all about the Texans though, I am probably an unofficial Houston Texans Historian. Each Sunday during the season I spend a few hours watching the arrows on the NFL Gameday or Yahoo app go back and forth, imagining how great it would be to watch the Texans play for real.
14. Communication if confusing
Socially I am not the most developed person, though I try to work on this on a daily basis, and this pretty much frightens me. I don't do well reading non-verbal cues, I tend not to voice my opinions all that well, and sometimes I just feel as if I don't understand people. It shows, I think, and I get worried and anxious most of the time. There are defense mechanisms I have developed to deal with this, but these tend to cause more problems.
15. Concealment
This goes along with number 14 pretty well. I tend not to show it too well when I enjoy myself, and I think sometimes I convince myself that most things are not enjoyable, but that rarely turns out to be the case. I have a theory that the world is filled mostly with what should be labeled as pessimists, but are called optimists. These people have an overabundance of pessimism, which causes low expectations that are always exceeded, so they always appear happy. Then there are people who, like me, are filled with optimism and are usually let down, which is misconstrued as pessimism. That's a pretty pessimistic view though, I suppose. The world is a funny place.
So until tomorrow, thanks for reading and if you feel so inclined I would love to hear what you think is the most interesting fact below. Something you learned or did not know. That brings a smile to my face, or something similar anyway.
Rich
The Journey: 30 Blog Challenge
The idea for this blog came, initially, from friend Adam Kuhn, though I know him as Corndog (aka C-Dub aka C Major aka Big C) and his almost exactly the same project over at Corndog Chats Life. I would suggest checking out his blog for some insightful and enjoyable reads, the likes of which you may or may not also find here. Ideally, you will find something, some kind of words, thoughts, dreams, ambitions, Lady GaGa lyrics. The important things in life.
What initially attracted me to this project was, in many ways, what has attracted me to the idea of my Poem A Day Project. Writing, like any other activity, requires practice in order to make sure that I fulfill my potential. At least theoretically, I don't really know if I believe that or if I'm of the mind that the 'best' ideas I have are unprovoked arousal of my emotion. Either way, it can't hurt to write one poem each day. Conversely I anticipate that whatever fun may, and will, be found in this exercise, wherein I post for 30 days about the topics listed below, will hurt. As I continued to consider how I would/should approach this challenge I found myself more intrigued about the therapeutic purposes that may be had from, at this barrier, writing as a means of expression and self discovery.
Finally I reached a decision.
I surrender myself to the world, as far as it may reach. Through this I hope to gain an understanding, and I hope to do that by surrendering my identity. Let this webpage become my consumer and my incubator. Nothing becomes sacred, nothing becomes hallowed, nothing is taboo. Omissions made at my behest will be limited, extreme measures to borrow a title of some film I've never seen. But like Demi said, this is me. Unbound, unfiltered, undiscovered. Let the great experiment...begin!
The Scheduled Topics of Discussion:
Day 1-Introduce, recent picture, 15 interesting facts
Day 2-Meaning behind your blog name
Day 3-Your parents
Day 4-Your siblings
Day 5-Your friends
Day 6-Your family
Day 7-A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 8-Favorite movies
Day 9-Pets
Day 10-Favorite games
Day 11-Something you're afraid of
Day 12-Favorite TV shows
Day 13-What you believe
Day 14-A picture you love
Day 15-Literary quotation
Day 16-Dream house
Day 17-Something you're looking forward to
Day 18-Something you regret
Day 19-Something you miss
Day 20-Your first love
Day 21-Through my eyes
Day 22-Favorite city
Day 23-Favorite vacation
Day 24-Something you've learned
Day 25-Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs
Day 26-Goals
Day 27-Future
Day 28-Something that stresses you out
Day 29-3 Wishes
Day 30-A picture
What initially attracted me to this project was, in many ways, what has attracted me to the idea of my Poem A Day Project. Writing, like any other activity, requires practice in order to make sure that I fulfill my potential. At least theoretically, I don't really know if I believe that or if I'm of the mind that the 'best' ideas I have are unprovoked arousal of my emotion. Either way, it can't hurt to write one poem each day. Conversely I anticipate that whatever fun may, and will, be found in this exercise, wherein I post for 30 days about the topics listed below, will hurt. As I continued to consider how I would/should approach this challenge I found myself more intrigued about the therapeutic purposes that may be had from, at this barrier, writing as a means of expression and self discovery.
Finally I reached a decision.
I surrender myself to the world, as far as it may reach. Through this I hope to gain an understanding, and I hope to do that by surrendering my identity. Let this webpage become my consumer and my incubator. Nothing becomes sacred, nothing becomes hallowed, nothing is taboo. Omissions made at my behest will be limited, extreme measures to borrow a title of some film I've never seen. But like Demi said, this is me. Unbound, unfiltered, undiscovered. Let the great experiment...begin!
The Scheduled Topics of Discussion:
Day 1-Introduce, recent picture, 15 interesting facts
Day 2-Meaning behind your blog name
Day 3-Your parents
Day 4-Your siblings
Day 5-Your friends
Day 6-Your family
Day 7-A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 8-Favorite movies
Day 9-Pets
Day 10-Favorite games
Day 11-Something you're afraid of
Day 12-Favorite TV shows
Day 13-What you believe
Day 14-A picture you love
Day 15-Literary quotation
Day 16-Dream house
Day 17-Something you're looking forward to
Day 18-Something you regret
Day 19-Something you miss
Day 20-Your first love
Day 21-Through my eyes
Day 22-Favorite city
Day 23-Favorite vacation
Day 24-Something you've learned
Day 25-Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs
Day 26-Goals
Day 27-Future
Day 28-Something that stresses you out
Day 29-3 Wishes
Day 30-A picture
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