Day 30 - A Picture

That is, without a doubt, one big stingray. Also, if you run a google search, with safe search on, this picture happens to be the first one that pops up. I spent a little bit of time thinking about it, but I don't know what that actually says about the zeitgeist. Regardless, I have talked about pictures before and since this is the last day of the challenge I don't really feel as if I need to boil everything down to a photo of the countryside, or of a city melting. Instead I'll craft a shoddy metaphor about how this stingray relates to this experience.

It's hard to not feel as if you are stuck in a pool that is barely larger than your entire body sometimes. It seems the older you get the more freedom you are supposed to find, though we all are just kind of funneled down some path. There's room to maneuver, but when you do you risk shattering everything and flopping around until you're all dried up and, in all likelihood, dead. I don't really know if I learned all that from these past 30 days though, actually I think that I knew a good deal of that before starting these writings. When I think about this exercise though I keep coming back to how much more open I have become with myself. I hope to not lose that as the time passes and I am not forcing myself think about questions that I would otherwise brush off. Though just like brushing my teeth or showering it's a routine that I need to establish, so I need to push myself just a bit every day until I start building the skills that I need to excel. I'm still not always comfortable when I should be, but I have seen improvement, and that's comforting. I'll keep working on that.

So for all of those that have consistently read I thank you. This will not be the last entry on this blog, I have been thinking of how to use it outside of an archive and I have come up with a few ideas. Obviously school is going to limit what I am able to do, plus I need to get back to film and game blogging so that I can start building up a portfolio, but there are plans for The FLY Files. They never die. Even if the pool breaks they never really die. Because, actually, it doesn't matter how trapped you are, or how big you are, people only really care about the tail. That's you, that's the power. That's what's most tangible, most distinctive, that's where you need to be aware.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic:

Rich

Day 29 - Three Wishes

If I were to be given three whole wishes it would be rather easy to simply ask for unlimited money, unlimited security, and unlimited time. Those are all tangible enough to basically cover all the things I would need outside of being unable to age. But all of that would be easy, far too easy for my liking. These exercises are meant to be a bit challenging, so in order to do that I am going to limit myself to wishes that are finite and tangible. Now that we have my conditions, the terms if you will, out of the way that forces me to buckle down and think. To speculate. To wish.

So for my first wish from this genie, it's a genie granting these wishes I assume, I would have to wish for a super room in whichever house I am living that will always be fully stocked with reels of films, the newest games/consoles, and an endless rack of vinyls and mp3s with the dankest speaker system of all time. My guess is that 3-D glasses will also be in this room because why the fuck not? Having a place to escape to would be great, even if I was responsible for all the furnishings. I'd probably put a fish tank in this room as well, fish are fun to watch. Maybe even play a game about a fish, but instead of controlling the fish I would take the role of the fish food. Now that's some NEXT GEN shit!

Second wish? Here I would probably wish for one year where I had to worry about nothing else except traveling around the world. That would give me more than enough time to see the major places I want to visit and I'd probably have enough time in between to stop home for long enough stretches in order to minimize homesickness. In this wish I would need to include that I'd have to be provided with the funds to travel all over the world and the country because I imagine it would get pretty expensive. I'd buy my own knick-knacks, but the actual plane costs, hotel rooms, and food need to be accounted for obviously. Still, this seems like a worthwhile wish that would provide me with some great experiences.

Last wish, I wish I had two more wishes. But since that is not an option I think I would wish for universal peace. Nah, that's too big. I should use one of these wishes to help other people, I reckon. Plus it has to be finite, which means no curing disease or anything. Hmm. This is tough. I guess I can't keep this wish in the holster, huh? I would wish for one day where I could talk to whoever I wanted to, living or dead. Actually, maybe one week. Yeah, that's a good wish. Especially if I could record all of it.

That's a damn solid batch of wishes.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic (Day 30!): A Picture

Day 28 - Stress

Technically this entry is supposed to be about one thing that stresses me out, which is good because I have more stress than a poorly engineered bridge. Anyhow, by this point in time I am sure that my faithful readers will not have much of a problem guessing a few of my stresses, so I think I need to approach this from a slightly different direction. So when I think about stress I need to actually focus on what causes my stress. In this sense I think that the greatest stress of all, perhaps not just for myself but for you, the individual or the collective, has to be society, yes? We are, after all, products of the grand dream (delusion) that is society. We always have been, as long as man is man I assume that we all will continue to be, at least to an extent.

Few forces hold quite as much sway as society, it is completely capable of allowing for, as I think it has for me, completely reshaping aspects of your identity. And then if it molds them in odd shapes, or if you have trouble contorting and conforming to this model you are left adrift. If I worry about a job it is because society tells me that I need to be productive and contribute to the whole regardless of what that whole actually serves. Society stresses me out about the way I relate to people, the way I carry myself. Society demands success, and I enjoy succeeding just as much as the next person. When things go wrong, when I find myself stressing, then the finger could, and in all likelihood should, be pointed at the way society has constructed me to think, to behave. I do my best to fight, to be 'me,' whatever that may mean, but at times it seems almost useless. It's a system I need to live, a system that allows me to type what I am typing, but also an oppressor.

So where does my stress come from? Well, it's all a big social construct.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: 3 Wishes

Rich

Day 27 - Future

I have a little trouble discerning the difference between this entry and yesterday's, though it seems like this is much more grandiose in scope than goals. Though I don't know if this entry will turn out that way simply because the future is, for all intents and purposes, undecided. The past, it is supposed, is a grotesque animal, but where does that leave the future in this binary continuum? Beautiful, perhaps, but what is the future if not the past waiting to be, so then grotesque, yes? No. Maybe. The future, I have talked about before, is also scary to think about too in depth. I will continue to cuddle my ignorance, hoping to squeeze out bliss, until it happens. Or continues to happen.

That's the thing with the future, it happens when you least expect it, or at least that has been my experience. I like to think of it like Anton from No Country for Old Men, or like the biker in Raising Arizona. Basically I like to think about the Coen brothers's filmography. When I'm not thinking about that I am, in some way, thinking about the future. Then I am confused, perhaps frightened. Don't go in the meadow, that's where man is. That's where we all end up eventually.

And we run.

We don't know each other, future, but we have met time and time again.

This entry is difficult to write because I am excited for the future, but it is frightening, almost inexplicably so because I'm a smart person. I'll get by. But it's the present that I love, the past that I idolize, the future that I fear. And they all keep moving, when I type this it is the present, but now it is the past, and at one point it was the future because I knew that I would be typing an entry about the future at some point today. So it makes you wonder how much of a future there actually is, and when I will and won't be around to experience it, if ever.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Stress

Rich

Day 26 - Goals

On the road of life everyone needs a trucker buddy. Additionally, everyone needs some sort of goal to work towards. What I like to do is set small moments of anticipation, but when I set goals they are usually long term, and rather intangible. Throughout the course of this I think I have already partially showed what many of my goals are as well, which means that I am probably just going to be recapping a few of my long term desires from here on out, so if you are a regular reader we can do some fact checking. There will be a test at the end, so it would behoove you to pay attention, and if you do not know what behoove means there is a 99.5% chance that you have already passed a point of no return.

The big goals in my life are all there, at some point in the future I would like to have a job that I love, preferably one that allows me to use my English language expertise in an industry that I have interest in, which means i need to start focusing on one type of media instead of continuing my quest to be a jack of all trades media conglomerate. Passion is fickle, but I have had success capturing passions, which mean it only needs to be refined. Like oil. There goes the magic, it all becomes real. The stars are nothing more than gas when we get up close, but we still continue to fly.

At some point I would like to have a family, my own house, all the manufactured ambitions that make me an American. Though above this I feel more compelled, while I still have the youth, though not always the means, to start traveling a bit more. The United States especially fascinates me. I don't consider myself incredibly patriotic, at least not blindly loyal, but I love the country and would like to see more of it, to learn about the different perspectives that exist. I think, occasionally, about the vast number of people in the world, how they are unaware of me, but perhaps somewhere else someone is thinking about the world as well, and in a way we are thinking about one another. Perhaps in different languages. I may never know, but I can at least see.

Though the goal that hovers above them all is arguably the most simple. I just want to learn. Knowledge is always acquired, but there is always more to accrue. More to experience. More to synthesize. Intangible? Perhaps. Unmeasurable? The subjectivity of knowledge says no. But I can strive. People just float, but I can drop my arms and try to drift in the intended direction.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Future

Rich

Day 25 - First 10 Shuffled Songs

Today we go inside the framework of my iPod (note: shuffle is being used on iTunes as it has a larger library) and see what happens when songs come on shuffle. No filter, though I will be refraining from posting any of the same artists if they pop up back to back, no filler. Let the music play. Click the song titles for links to the songs.

1. The Ink Spots - "I Don't Want to Set the World on Fire"

Despite being caught completely off guard by this song popping up first, I could not be any more pleased. While the song itself does not represent what I usually listen to while consuming music, the connection to Fallout 3, one of my favorite games, is both the reason it is on my iTunes and one of the reasons where my love is found. As a song this does make for some nice and easy listening. The world needs more crooners, and I need to listen to more music from The Ink Spots. Additionally, the Fallout 3 soundtrack has to be one of the best video game soundtracks ever assembled.

2. Miley Cyrus - "What's Not To Like"

That's more representative, certainly according to my last.fm account. This one comes from the soundtrack for Hannah Montana: The Movie, though as far as I know this song is performed under the Miley Cyrus name rather than the Hannah Montana pseudonym, which bodes well because the Hannah Montana name usually does not produce Miley's best music. To answer the song's title, there is a bit not to like about this one, especially when stacked up against the movie's iconic "The Climb" though I don't have the mind to complain about what is, at the very least, a damn fun song even if it does not highlight Miley's best musical talents. As a side note, this makes me two for two in songs from soundtracks rather than albums. I don't own that many soundtracks.

3. Atmosphere - "A Girl Named Hope"

Slug is a storyteller, which is odd because so many of his songs are so incredibly personal. This one certainly does not seem any less so, but taking these experiences and making them compelling narratives are what great writers create, and its certainly what Slug and many of his contemporaries are able to accomplish. This one is a nice, more melancholic, but allows Slug to showcase his signature flow. And those lyrics, they are packed with some wonderful images at the very end.

4. Bob Dylan - "Joey"

When you ask me who are the five greatest musicians of all time I will answer, quite easily: Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, and Dylan. While this epic is not the lengthy song I would pick as my favorite Dylan tune, actually it wouldn't even make a shortlist, it displays some of the elements that make Desire a wonderful record, and of course the voice is infinitely iconic. Though I would not pick this as my favorite song, it does demonstrate Dylan's ability to carry a single thread throughout a song, perhaps acting as a modern day Milton or Homer. It's not as dreamy as I tend to go for in the Dylan I listen to, and it doesn't have the narrative pull of "Hurricane" or "The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carrol" though the final few verses become damn fine listening, making for a somber conclusion that serves as a testament to Dylan's poetic proficiency.

5. Slim Thug ft. Lil Ray - "Strippers"

More hip-hop, this time braggadocio. No place does braggadocio than Houston, and though I don't listen to all that much Slim Thug, and even less Lil Ray, this song is not as generic as it should be, which is good. It has a chopped and screwed chorus, shout outs to forgotten acts, and a lot of patriarchal comments demeaning the fairer sex. That scene has been faltering for a while, in no small part because Chamillionaire and Magno have gone silent, but I have a large pair of nostalgia glasses that keep me checking back to see what will eventually, with any hope, recapture that charm.

6. The Beatles - "Not A Second Time"

So many songs and The Beatles are what the shuffle says, huh? A testament to how much library cleaning I do, this song showcases the Beach Boys-lite vibe that most Beatles songs come with such as harmonies, fluffy and hollow lyrics, and simplistic instrumentals. Yuck. I need to stop before I blow my obligatory white college male cred.

7. the Mountain Goats - "Masher"

Now that, that's more what I am looking for. John Darnielle is American's greatest living poet, plain and simple, and that even means that he is above Dylan. Songs that should serve as vignettes, brief glimpses, are fully formed beasts that are stunningly beautiful. This one, well we all lose control at times. Not my favorite song from this record, but a testament to the songwriting chops that Darnielle brings. Rhymes that are simplistic, but enough meathpor and repetition to make rhyme a secondary focus of the song. As it concludes you hear the guitar being strummed harder, the frustration building, the beauty popping. And all the world is swallowed.

8. the Mountain Goats - "Southwood Plantation Road" to be replaced with...
Atmosphere - "Commodities" to be replaced with...
Demi Lovato - "U Got Nothin' On Me"

For all intents and purposes the English major in me should detest this song because of the choice to replace "you" with "U," because you're better than that, Demi. This second record, I once wrote, is a damn fine piece of pop from what is easily the most talented singer Disney has ever produced. Not the highlight of the CD, it does still allow for enough alterations between highs and lows for Demi to excel. The shifts from verse to chorus are wonderful, the backup shouts work to enhance the albeit simplistic, theme of the song and enhance the emotion that Demi brings to all of her songs. And when it slows down, and the instruments become minimal, Demi shines.

9. The Beatles - "I've Just Seen A Face" (seriously!?!) to be replaced with...
Weezer - "Take Control"

There was a point where Weezer sort of faltered. Or at least that is what critics tell me, and while a few of their albums are not all completely solid from top to bottom there are still gems in each one waiting to be discovered until you catch up with their two most recent stunning records. This song is pretty middling, it does not let Rivers exist at his best from a lyrical perspective and is too instrumentally heavy for my tastes, but it's listenable, I suppose. Of all the Weezer I don't know why this one would have been drawn.

10. James Blake - "Lindisfarne II"

Is there a better way to end this post than with James Blake? This song is best when paired with the first part, though of the two parts this is the one I prefer. What I love about Blake is that, while his lyrics are minimal and he uses his voice a bit more like an instrument than anything else, I can understand the sound progression that he makes in a song and from track to track. I don't get instruments and musical theory, Blake makes it tangible. The bumps come in slow. They take over. Blake returns. I simply bathe in the sounds, the senses, the stimulation. So beautiful.

And that, very briefly, is a look inside the inner workings of my iTunes library. There is a commonly held conception that music represents a person, that they are defined by the music. Well if that is true then I hope you learned something about me. Let me know in the comments.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Goals

Rich

Day 24 - Something You Learned

This entry will be a bit too tough because I think that I have learned a lot, not a day goes by when I don't, in some capacity, learn something. I think that the best way to handle this is to simply limit myself to the most important thing that I learned during this exercise. At least so far, there is still plenty of reflection and learning left to accomplish in the final few days, as the candles extinguish, as it all unravels. Still, even if I limit it to that I think that I have a good deal of narrowing down that I need to do as I attempt to discover the most important.

Actually, maybe it won't be all that difficult.

I think, at least I hope, what I learned is that I need to work hard, perhaps the hardest I have ever worked, in order to be honest with myself. It is easier said than done, but that's because my conception of identity is at odds with the idea of acceptance. I am too aware, hyper aware. Honesty is said to be the best policy, and a sense of self is probably most important when speaking about honesty. I actually just read an article today about feminist criticism in Turn of the Screw where it had a section that spoke about how we look in mirrors, that they constantly distort what we see, but we also recognize this as 'us.' However, the distortion means that we can never see what we really look like, so in order to know us we have to accept that everything we have seen of us is not us. So maybe I will never know who I am, but in the mean time I learned that I need to be honest, and that starts now. The train, she rolls uphill.

Thanks for reading.

Tomorrow's Topic: Shuffle

Rich